Do I need a savior... really?

Recently I had a conversation with someone about sin. I was talking about how deeply sinful I am, and how I can't do anything to change that.

They passionately disagreed.

It's made me really think and pray about this though.

If I can change my sinful way of living on my own, then do I really need a savior? Did Jesus really need to come to earth, live a truly human life, and then die a truly terrible death? 

If I can change on my own, do I really need the Holy Spirit? Do I need to depend on God? Is grace really that big of a deal at all?

I am utterly convinced that no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop being sinful, because sin is about so much more than behavior.

Sin is about me taking charge of my life, my situations, my problems and not fully relying on God. Sin is about me thinking, deep down, that I know what's best, or that I have gotten the shaft in life and God is holding out on me. Sin is about my brokeness. 

This does have moral implications, but even the most moral person needs Jesus.

Jesus' love for me is so crazy because I do not deserve it at all. Even in my best days, I am riddled with sinful thoughts, and ways of living... I am drenched in sin.

But Jesus loves, totally and completely. His love is not conditional and like nothing we have experienced on this earth. It's infinitely better than the best parent's love for their child, and infinitely deeper than the best husband's love for his wife.

The closer I get to Jesus, the more I understand how deprived I am. The closer I get to Jesus the more I see how deep sin is rooted in my heart, how it's woven into the way I experience this life. The closer I get to Jesus the more I am set free from this because I realize I am powerless to change on my own, and he loves me anyway. 

Our effort is pretty pathetic. We really can't do much on our own, but the creator and sustainer of the world can do more than we can imagine. 

I have found that as I come to know God's love for me in the middle of my sin, I have been set free to love him and others more, and I find sin having a little bit less control over me. I don't find myself wanting to sin more in this new found freedom, but wanting to love more, wanting to be even closer to my Savior.

Sitting in my sin, asking God to help me see new depths of my sin, and opening it to God, not hiding or trying to change, but just opening it to God has had the most deeply impactful effect on my life. I find I actually can love others and myself more. I find that I actually crave spending time with God in prayer. I find that it seems I have discoverd an infinite sea of love that I can spend the rest of my life exploring and never come to know its width, or depth. 

Its so good, it's hard, painful, and sad at times, but so good. Freedom is mysterious, and perfect love something that's hard to imagine, but it's what God has for us in Jesus through the Spirit. Sin has no claim, but we will need our Savior every moment for the rest of eternity.

Peace. 

Laser Tag!!!

A couple weekends ago I had the chance to play laser tag with 16 middle schoolers and a new volunteer leader, Matt Wright, from Ladera Ranch. 

I forgot how much fun laser tag could be!!

But more importantly, this really gave me the chance to get to know some of the guys as we compared scores and investigated our score sheets seeing who shot who. I felt like I really started getting to know some of the boys there, many of whom I'd never met before.

After laser tag we are pizza, and had a "mini club", meaning, we played a game and I got to share a bit about why I am so excited about starting WyldLife... In case you didn't know, it's because it gives me the opportunity to share Jesus and his incredible love with them!

I compared God and Santa, using the song "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" to show how creepy Santa is, and how loving God is. I talked about how God is not making a list or waiting for us to mess up, but that he couldn't stand being separated from us so he came closer, through Jesus, and showed us how to live life the best way possible.

It was a really great time and I had several parents email me the following week to let me know how excited they were about WyldLife! 

Please continue praying that we are able to get more invested in kids lives, that we are able tower wth kids between now and the next semester, and that support, both financially and in other ways, continues to come in.

Thank you so much!

Peace.

Being present in our own brokenness

One of the best ways to foster compassion isn't so much getting outside of yourself and doing something for someone else, but being present in your own life, open to your own hurt, festering wounds, habitual sins, areas of embarrassing weakness, heartbreak, and sadness... as we open to our own shortcomings and the lack of shalom in our own lives, with Abba, we may experience that the doors of compassion swing wide, and we realize that we can love out of our weakness. The desire to fix others (sometimes prompted by our deeper desire to escape or ignore our own pain) begins to fade, and we realize that the best thing we can do is to be with others. 

WITH

Isn't that what we celebrate during this season. God with us. Jesus came and hurt with us, laughed with us, wept with us, grew up with us, was tempted with us, even bled and suffered scaring wounds with us... he DID have the power to fix us, a power we don't posses, but first he came simply to be with us.

Are we letting him be with us? 

I ask this to myself as much as to you. I have a desire to do things with/for Jesus... but am I letting Jesus be with me in the "bad" emotions, feelings, and thoughts as much as I do in the "good" or "proper" or "Christian" ones? Am I with Jesus in the fear of failing my family, not being able to provide for them? Am I with Jesus in the times when anger creeps up and I snap at Candice and Hazel? Am I with Jesus in the times when I wish my life was different, not as hard as it is at times? Am I with Jesus when I feel like he actually owes me more? Am I with Jesus in the feeling like Young Life was a mistake and I have nothing to offer anyone?

He is with me in at those times, but am I with him?

As I realize the depths of my brokenness, I am filled with love. Both the love of Jesus for me, and love for others. 

Truly, we don't need to run from our own shit... and I think I do often, even by trying to do good things for others at times. I'm not saying we shouldn't!! We must!! But when we serve and love from our wounds, we are truly loving... it's then that we are letting Christ love through us.

Peace.

Embracing failure... a confession

This is hard for me to confess. I have always thought of myself as a fairly humble person... but deep down, I'm not so sure how true it is. Deep down there is a mixture of self-loathing and fear driven pride. My false self has created these monsters, and while I do think they are slowly dying off, they still have a stronger, more subtle, influence on me than I would like to admit.

Recently I was offered and took a job with Young Life. My marching orders were to start a WyldLife club in Ladera Ranch.

I thought I could do this in my sleep... really.

I thought I would knock this out of the park without even breaking a sweat. I had dreams of how awesome our club would be, of how much better I would be at training leaders, and getting parents involved than other clubs I had been in. I thought I would be a natural at this, and would be able to do this with no problem at all.

This is my first official week on Young Life staff... and I'm really afraid of absolute failure.

Nothing has gone the way I thought it would. I have been a pretty crappy leader for the leaders that have come on board. I don't know any of the kids I am trying to reach. I fear that I am not going to raise the support I need to raise in order to continue getting paid...

I've even questioned if I should be doing this at all...

This is all really hard for me to admit, but, and I am being honest, I am delighted to see this.

I started out into this thinking I could do it, on my own, without having to rely on Jesus (though I would have never really known this was the way I was thinking).

And I have failed. THANK GOD!

If I weren't in this space right now, scared that I don't know what I am doing, and that I am going to fail miserably, I don't think I would have seen that I am trying, and even thinking I can do this on my own.

I am so thankful that before any of this has started, God has lovingly shown me that I can't do anything without him!! That I can't do it on my own, and that I was actually going to try it that way.

Failure isn't always something to be afraid of, sometimes its a gift from our loving Father to get us back where we belong, dependently connected to him. This is where life works best. Its not always comfortable, and normally it seems to fly in the face of what we are taught "good life" should look like, but it is really the only place where we will truly thrive.

Jesus lovingly tells this to his disciples in John 15:1-10. Its one of the last things he tells them before he faces the cross. The image of the brach trying to produce fruit apart from the vine is exactly what I was trying to do with Young Life so far... I really thought I could do it on my own.

I would say that this is what many of us really believe, not only that we can do things on our own, but that we MUST do things on our own, because we can't depend on anyone else, and being dependent is weak.

But we are to live in this posture. Totally dependent... and not just in some abstract way, but in a very real way, on each other. We are to be dependent on each other, we are the body of Christ, and we need each other to survive. Paul uses the picture of the human body and invites us to imagine different parts of our body trying to live without being a part of the body. The brain can't survive unless its protected by our skull, and fed with the blood that our heart pumps into it... and so it is with other parts of our body, we are at our best when these pats are all working in dependent harmony with each other.

I hate this. Its really scary to be dependent on others, but I can't really be dependent on God unless I am dependent on others, and if I am not dependent on God, truly abiding in Jesus, then I am going to fail... every time... and life will not work, it will be a slow death, cut off from the life giving vine, slowly drying up, becoming bitter and brittle.

So I am thankful for this feeling of failure I have been living under the last few days. My Father has shown me that I was foolishly thinking I could do it on my own, that I was strong and independent, that I didn't need to rely on him and others for life.

So don't be so afraid of failure, it could be the best thing to ever happen to you... not saying it wont hurt like hell, it might, and it might be totally humiliating, but it could also be Jesus beckoning you back, lovingly inviting you back into the vine of life.

Peace.

It doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe being born a baby, fragile, unable to talk, walk, take care of himself, or do much of anything besides eat and cry and poop... it doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe being born in a barn, poor, to parents that were unimportant, and easily ignored... it doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe being acknowledged first by dirty shepherds, and then by pagan wise men that worshiped many other gods, from many other lands... it doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe dying on a cross, killed by the very people he came to save... it doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe knowing my name, how many hairs are on my head, my darkest secrets, most hidden weaknesses, and loving me more than I could ever hope to imagine... it doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe caring enough about me, about humanity, to come and show us how to live by being born a helpless baby, livig as a poor peasant, growing up to be homeless, and then dying to show me how to live... it doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense... BUT IT IS SO GOOD.

The God of the universe was born a baby, grew up like any other human child, then showed us how to live by pouring out his life, claiming none of the rights that were his as the God, the Creator, of the universe, then dying and coming back from the dead to both give us and show us how to live true life... it does not make any sense, but it is so good.

Abba, help me open to you more. Help me not try to make sense of life, but help me to trust you. Help me to trust that Jesus is life, and following him, living as he would live if he were me, not holding onto what I think I deserve, or what I think I am owed, or what I feel I should be given is the way to true, good, and real life... it doesn't make sense, but neither do you to my little mind. 

Oh come let me adore him.

The line, "Oh come let us adore him" has been etched in my mind the last few days. 

It seems simple enough, and I have no clue how many times I've sung it, but yesterday it hit me hard, right between the eyes, and deep in my heart.

I don't know that I've ever come and adored Jesus during this season of Christmas... at least not honestly. 

Too often I have to conjure up feelings of adoration for Jesus. I have to create an emotional response that I think is appropriate. I have to create the feelings I think I should be having when it comes to Jesus, the lover of my soul, my savior, my rescuer, the truest friend I will ever know.

Is it because deep down I don't really think I need him? Is it because I've heard this story every year, at least once, my entire life? Is it because I just take him for granted?

I don't really know. I don't really care.

This season this will be my prayer: LORD, let me come and adore HIM.

Let me sit in wonder and awe, spellbound, captured by the insanity of it all. The God of the universe as a baby, an infant. Jesus. 

Jesus.

How beautiful a name. 

Abba, let me adore. Let adoration be my posture this season. Let me open to the wonder that you would send your Son to be born a human... and to live and die so that I might be rescued, redeemed... so that I would have a chance at knowing the love you have for me... for this world.

Create in me a heart of adoration, and help me refrain from trying to create it myself. Help me be honest with you, and give you my true attitude, feelings, thoughts, and prayers. Help me give you my life, how I really am, in honesty, and then help me receive what you have for me, really receive it.

I love you Jesus, and I do adore you... even now, as I begin to open to you in truth, my adoration seems to grow. 

You love me... I can love you. 

Oh... I do adore you. Help me to adore you more.