Thanksgiving prayer.

Lord, help me to be truly thankful. Help me see all that you have given me. Help me to see the endless ways you are loving me right now. 

I confess that I am not always very thankful, and that sometimes when I am trying to be thankful, it feels so forced, almost like I am just faking it.

Lord, Abba, I don't always understand your ways, and there have been times when I have felt as if you are holding out on me. There are times when I feel like you are not holding up your end of the deal. 

There are times when I feel like you have left, and wonder if you will ever come back.

There are times when I doubt you.

Abba, you know. You know all these feelings I have, and you love me the same. You love me perfectly, and completely. Help me to see this today. 

Give me eyes to see the wonderful gifts you have given me. Help me to know the ways that you have worked to give me life, good and real life. Help me to understand your incredible love and endless effort to help me know you more. 

Holy Spirit, breath true thanksgiving into my heart, into my inner being. Help me open to you, and to thankfulness. 

You have given me more than I know, more than I understand... please give me a truly grateful heart, today and then for days and days to come. Give me a deep and abiding sense of gratitude for all that you are and all that you are doing in my life... even when I don't understand it and you feel distant.

Only you can make me truly thankful, help me open to you today, help me open to thanksgiving today, help me see the endless things I have to be thankful for.

LORD, help me open to your love.

LORD, I want to live every moment in your love... conscious of you loving me... open to the wonderful, beautiful, incredible, complete, infinite, powerful, transforming, cleansing, completing, healing, restoring, protecting, and overwhelming love. 

I know I will never understand it, never be able to plumb its depths, explore the ends of it, or ever find the limit of it... but I can open to it, I can consciously open to the fact that in every moment of every day YOU ARE LOVING ME... actually loving me.

Help me Abba, help me become more and more open to you, in everything I do, in every moment of my day... even when I'm doing things I know I shouldn't, and even when I'm making mistakes, help me know and trust that you are loving me, and you will never stop.

If only it was as easy as a selfie...

Self examination is super important for healthy living. It's vital that we get to know ourselves... but it's just not very easy.

If you are anything like me, there are parts of yourself that you embrace, and then parts of yourself that you don't... parts that you may even hate, and try to hide from others.

These are the parts we Christians normally pray that God would kill, we ask God to crucify them, and then (again, this is my confession, you may not be like this at all) try our best to ignore them and live life like they are truly dead... but in the quiet dark times, they seem so very alive, and I question what Paul talks about when he says that I am a new creation, that the old has gone and my sinful nature is dead.

I am coming to realize more and more that to the extent I know my WHOLE self, and even to the extent that I accept my WHOLE self, is the extent that I can know God, and his love for my WHOLE self. 

In Ephesians 3 Paul prays the we would be rooted in Christ's love, and, "have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:18, 19 ESV)

I don't love my whole self. There are parts of myself that I hate, sinful parts, but also aspects of my personality that people have told me (in many different ways) are bad or annoying or useless, there are weaknesses that I feel I must hide, and there are fears and insecurities that I repress. 

BUT CHRIST LOVES MY WHOLE SELF... all those included.

Trying to present a certain me to other people has become such a habituated way of living that I know I do it with God too. I'm pretty stinking sure I have been doing it for so long that there are things I have hidden away so deep that I'm not aware of them anymore... until I react to something in a way that I think is unlike me, or God puts a mirror in front of me that I can't avoid (kids are really good for this), or I hit a wall or a really crappy time in life and find myself spinning out of control.

But I have nothing to fear! God knows me and loves me completely. He is holy, completely different from us. While others are unable to handle my crap and love me completely, HE IS.

And it's only the Spirit that can crucify those sinful parts of me, habits, and ways of living that are not real and true and good. The thing about crucifixion is, a person cannot crucify themselves, another must do it... as much as I try, I cannot transform myself.

Hiding these things does two things. First it allows them to grow underneath the surface totally unchecked and unguarded. Second, it actually separates me from knowing how completely God loves me, which leads to me not really love myself, which leads to me not really loving others.

As Christians we believe that God has decided to come and live IN US. He lives in our heart... HE KNOWS... and HE LOVES.

A love that knows me totally, all the lust, and pride, and envy, and fear, and insecurity, and doubt, and anger, and frustration, and weakness... and still loves me completely... that is a love that surpasses knowledge. 

That is the love of Christ.

It is only in accepting that these "bad" things are there that we can then really present them to God, who already knows, and it's only then that we can know, experientially, his love for us, in a very personal way. This will lead not to more sinning, but to a purifying love for God that will actually open us more and more to his completely transforming love. 

And this will take the rest of our lives. 

What an adventure, what a journey, what a truly love filled life.

Peace.

Maria's beautiful prayer of thanksgiving...

My wife loves "The Sound of Music." 

Ok, I like it a lot too... it's a great movie and some of the songs are really fun to sing and dance to with Hazel and Harper.

One scene always sticks out to me though.

It's the scene at the dinner table when Maria first gets to the Von Trapp's house. Amongst sitting on a pinecone  and then making the children feel awful for the way they had been treating her, she says a simple prayer over the meal.

"Lord... help us to be truly thankful."

What a beautiful prayer.

It hit right between the eyes and deep in my heart the first time I heard this as an adult. It made me look inside a realize how much help I need to be TRULY thankful.

When I heard this we were about to move in with my inlaws because we couldn't afford to live on our own. I was working as a valet parker... and it wasn't paying the bills. I couldn't get a better job at the time and was feeling pretty crappy and embarrassed about our situation. 

 I was not very thankful. 

Sure, I could try to "look on the bright side" and sometimes I could numb myself to the pain of where we were and only focus on what we had, the "good" things God had given us, but still, I was not REALLY thankful... I was actually pretty resentful. 

This prayer showed me that I could ask for help, and that I couldn't be truly thankful on my own, through willpower alone... I needed the Holy Spirit to work insider heart. It also showed me that to ignore the pain of the current situation, and even my underlying resentment, was not helping me to be thankful, but actually making me more and more resentful... I needed to be honest with God, and stop trying to change my attitude on my own.

I've started praying this prayer regularly, "Lord, help me to be TRULY thankful," and I also ask him for eyes to see all that there is to be thankful for. 

I don't want to say this "worked," prayer isn't like that. It's not about finding a magic phrase to say, but about opening to the Creator who loves us and is constantly drawing us closer to himself. 

But I think I am slowly becoming more thankful... and hope has flooded my heart. 

So I hope this prayer will help you too.

Peace.

I need your help!

As some of you may know, I have taken a job with Young Life. I am very excited about this opportunity and feel like God has been working to bring me here for a while now... that this is his perfect timing, and I eagerly wait to see what he has in store for both me and my family, and the community of Ladera Ranch (where I will be starting the middle school ministry).

But I really need your help.

As a Young Life staff person, I have to raise my own support. What that means is this, if people don't support us through donating their money, I don't get paid.

The very real truth is that I am not asking you to pay my salary, I am asking you to invest in what God seems to want to do in Ladera Ranch, CA. It seems clear that he is wanting to move and bring people closer to himself, and wants to do so through Young Life, and while I am asking you to support me, this wont be happening if I am not able to raise the support needed to allow me to go on full-time staff. 

These are the specifics:

I need to raise $22,500 by November 26 in order to go on part-time for the month of December (I have already put in my two-weeks notice at my current job). 

Then I need to raise $45,000 by December 27 in order to go on full-time staff by Jan 1.

I have raised $16,450 so far in either one-time gifts, or commitments to monthly donations. If you have already given THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! 

All gifts to Young Life are tax deductible, and if you register on the website here you will automatically receive your receipt. 

Under "A Young Life Staff Member's Ministry" search for my last name, Bright.

Select me from the list that pops up, and then finish the donation as instructed.

So, I am asking you to think, and pray about giving either a one time donation, or committing to give on a monthly basis. 

If you have already been thinking/praying about doing this, then please sign up and give your gift by November 26.

It is hard for me to write this post, to be so forward in asking you all for money, but I believe, truly believe, that God has called me into this. I have no doubt that he will provide.

If you make a donation, or if you have more questions, or even if you would just like to talk to me about this, please email me at:

 LukeBright.YoungLife@gmail.com 

Thank you for reading this, and I pray you seriously consider investing in both the Kingdom of God, and kid's lives through Young Life.

Peace.

True life...

I have found that I struggle to keep life the way I want life to be. I somehow think I know what is best for me, because, after all, I'm an adult.

Truth is, the life I normally struggle to keep is comfortable, safe-ish, and generally something I can either control or just predict.

This is one of the reasons why I don't really believe that the invitation to loose my life is really a good thing at all.

I want MY life, the life I, with my 33 years of wisdom, have decided would be best for me. I want comfort, some adventure but not too much, security, and while I enjoy taking risks, I want to know that they will be risks I have decided to take.

Loose my life to gain real life? What does that even mean?

Truth is, for for most of my life at least, I just haven't believed what Jesus said in John 10:10 (which has ironically been one of my favorite verses my whole life).

Jesus says: "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." (John 10:10 ESV)

If this is true, then when Jesus says things like, "Pick up your cross," and "if you want to really live life you must loose it," he isn't demanding these awful sacrifices I have come to see them as... they are invitations into real, true, good life!

Seriously. 

This is not sentimental Hallmark card stuff, it's the author of life telling us how to live a real life.

Most of us will sing songs on Sunday mornings about how good God is, but we don't really believe that. We sentimentally believe it, but we don't live in a way that suggests we believe the author of life is good, loves us more than we could imagine, and is more powerful than we could dream. We live like we must try to control our lives, fight to keep what we have, strategize to keep on the path we want to be on, and ultimately trust no one but ourselves.

But God IS good, he IS love, and he IS powerful.

We can live in that truth. It's ok to doubt it, but if we go to him in surrender, even if it's more like a test, he will prove he is good, it may just be completely different than we thought it should be... and it may take longer than a couple days, or weeks, or even years... it might be that after several years of life feeling totally out of control, we look back and see that God had been working to love us, to show us how good he really is, and to bring us into a deeper knowing and trusting of him the whole time.

I speak from experience. 

Several years ago my life started to unravel, and it now looks nothing like I planned... BUT IT IS SO GOOD. Not in an outward way. I don't have lots of stuff, money, and for sure we don't often feel "secure", but I know Abba now more than I did before. I KNOW he loves me and wants me. I know he can provide, even when it doesn't make sense...

I am beginning to see that Jesus was really being loving and practicle when he said, "If you want life you must loose it." 

The life we want is a shadow compared to the life God, the Creator of the universe, the Author of life, has for us.

So, as backwards as it seems, you can hand your life over, the one you will get in return is truly much better.

Peace.

When God feels distant...

There are times when I feel like I am stumbling around, not sure of where I am going. Times when the road seems dark, when it seems hard and I'm cold and tired and feel all alone.

God seems distant, and there is a voice telling me that it's my fault... that I am not doing enough, or disciplined enough, or sinning too much... or just not good enough.

These dark foggy days are hard.

But I know I am not alone.

These times are when I remind myself of the darker Psalms, like Psalm 88... but the one I turn to more than any other is Psalm 77. 

The author starts by talking about how he feels that the LORD has abandoned him, and you get the feeling that he really feels this way, but then he starts to remember what God has done in the past: 

“Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Selah Then I said, “I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.” I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. (Psalm 77:7-11 ESV)

This is my prayer today. When I feel that God is distant, and wants nothing to do with me. 

ITS NOT TRUE!

But it's the way I feel and I will not try to run from it, instead I will look for God in the midst of this darkness, in the fog. God is here, and I believe God is close even if it doesn't feel that way. I will not pretend everything is wonderful, but I will put my hope in God and trust in him, trust that he will not let me get lost in despair.

Peace.

Ladera Ranch WyldLife is rolling...

This last Saturday we had our very first event, a bonfire at Hole in the Fence beach!

We had 13 kids come, Jade, Caitlin, Candice and I got a chance to meet and talk with 5 parents, we chowed down on s'mores and played a little night time ultimate football. 

It was a blast.

Both the kids and the parents are more excited than ever about getting WyldLife officially started in Lader Ranch! I even had one of the boys text me later that night saying he was going to bring some girls to the next thing we do!

We are planning a few more events before Christmas: laser tag, and a scavenger hunt/Christmas party are both being planned.

If you could continue to pray as we get things going, it would be really appreciated. It seems that God has some great plans for YL in Ladera. 

Specifically, we could use prayer in/for the following areas: fundraising, recruiting and training more leaders, getting a solid support team of parents, and finding a way to get on campus.

I am both excited and hopeful for what the next semester will bring, and can't wait to get to know some of these kids and begin sharing the love of Jesus with them.

I love you son.

The following was something I felt Abba saying to me earlier today. 

I truly believe it was for me to cherish and hold deep in my heart, but also to share. 

Our Father is so fond of us. He is so in love with you. I hope you loose yourself in that truth today and many many more days to come.

This is what I heard him say earlier today:

 

"Luke, I created you to love you. I created you to be with you. I created you because I wanted you to be mine, my beloved child.

Everything else is a part of that, but it's not why I created you. I didn't create you to be a Young Life leader. I didn't create you to be a husband, a father, or even a good person. I didn't create you to tell others about me... 

I created you to love you.

Everything else is a part of that, it's a part of your journey deeper into my love for you. It's important, and it's very good, but it's not the reason, it's not your identity, it's not your destination... 

I AM.

I love you son. I love you more than you can know. I love your smile, the way you look, how you get really excited about things, your passion, even your questions, and your sharp edges. You are my boy. I'm so proud of you. You have no idea how happy you make me.

I created you because I wanted to... because I wanted you."

Peace.

I'm not "good" at silent prayer...

This picture sums up more of my times of silent prayer than I'd like to admit.

But I think that's OK, in fact, I think it's good.

I used to think I needed to try to be like this:

But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it. My brain would start to act like a 12 year old jacked up on red bull and sugar, and I would spend the entire time fighting with myself, trying to quiet my thoughts down and focus on trying to feel God's presence. 

It was exhausting, frustrating, crazy making, and I left the time feeling worse than when I started.

Or I'd just end up falling asleep.

But I still think silent prayer, meaning offering God a set time and not filling it with words, even if they are just in your head, is a really wonderful thing. I really think God enjoys us giving him a certain amount of time, setting it aside just to be with him (even if we don't feel like he is there at all).

I've just had to learn that honesty is OK during those times. I've had to learn that I can't try to be a certain way, but I can be with God as I am... and he still loves that.

Now I view my times of silent prayer as a gift to God. I give him x amount of time on a regular basis to do with as he wants. I try to remind myself that these times are not for me to get anything from God, but just to be with him, to give him some of my time, not really asking for anything in return... and trust that if I fall asleep or spend the time fighting my racing mind, it's OK with him.

The truth is I get so stinking much from these times, I just don't usually see it right then.

I am a different person when I am regularly spending this time with Abba, and while it may be subtle, it's very real. I also find that I am more open and in tune with God throughout the day, and find that I enter into random times of prayer more regularly, often without thinking or trying.

So I encourage you to give God some time. Don't try to start out too big, start small, but try to be regular. 5-10 minutes 4 times a week may be a good goal to start.

Find a quiet place, sit comfortably with your back straight, feet on the ground, hands open and palms up, and then say a prayer offering the time to God to do with as he wants.

If thoughts come barging in (and they most likely will) don't fight them, just try not to focus on them and let them just pass on through... and if you find yourself focusing on them, it's ok, just try to let them go at that point.

Sometimes a word or a phrase can be helpful. I often say the following sentence: "Abba, I belong to you" to both start my time, and then refocus when I find my mind has wondered off.

Don't beat yourself up if you don't find that you are quiet, I'm hardly ever quiet for more than a few moments... God is still there, and it's his time. And if you fall asleep, good, maybe you needed some extra sleep. God can work while we sleep. 

If this kind of prayer makes you uneasy, think of it as giving the Spirit some room to "intercede for us with groaning too deep for words." (Romans 8:26-27)

So I pray you find time to sit in Abba's lap, without an agenda, and let him be with you.

Peace.

God's love

This picture is powerful. 

It's a picture of the pope embracing a horribly disfigured man. The pope held this man and then kissed him.

It hits on something deep within my heart.

While I talk a lot about the unceasing, always pursuing, complete and perfect love of God for us as we are, not as we "should" be... it's not something I always actually believe... it's not something I'm always able to open to... it's not always the thing that my identity is found in.

There are times of moral failure, times of depression, times of anger and frustration, and just times of doubt where I just can't believe that God could love someone like me... 

Or maybe I believe he loves me, but only because he is God and he is love, not because he chooses to, not because he wants to love me as I am right now.

Especially after failing in habitual sins... over and over... it's just hard to think there is still a place for me at Abba's chest. It's hard to think he is still longing to hold me and kiss me and look me in the eyes while he tells me how much he loves me.

In those times I feel so dirty, so damaged and deformed... so ugly... that I just want to cover up, make myself presentable through hours of wallowing in guilt and shame, and then go back to Papa when I feel like I'm all cleaned up.

This picture reminds me that I can come to God as I am, always, and his response is love, always. It's the same after a time I've spent hours serving, or worshiping,  or at church as it is after I've looked at porn, or treated my wonderful wife poorly, or just been more selfish than I thought possible... God's love is.

So I pray that I am able, more and more, little by little, to be with Abba as I am, however I am, and let his love wash over me.

It's only through his Spirit, and accepting his very real and very powerful love for me that transformation will begin to take root deep in the center of my being.

Peace.

You are more beautiful than you think.

You may not feel very attractive. You may feel beat up, broken, battered and bruised, used up and left out, withered, old, damaged, dirty, useless, and just flat out ugly... but you are beautiful.

You are one of God's masterpieces.

Don't let the sentimental qualities of that statement blind you to the factual truth and the real implications. God has been, is currently, and will be creating a beautiful work of art out of your life for the rest of your life.

It might not look like we want it to look, but just like this old beat up storage container, it's beautiful, and it's the imperfections that make it that way. It's the dents, chipped and faded paint, and rust that makes this storage container so striking (at least to me), and it's the same with you. It's the imperfections, even the wounds and scars that make you a uniquely perfect, beautiful masterpiece. 

So I pray that you get a glimpse of your Abba, the creator of the universe, looking lovingly and happily at the masterpiece he is making out of you.

Peace

Ladera Ranch WyldLife Kick-off

It's time. We are having our first Ladera Ranch WyldLife event!

We will be having a beach bonfire this Saturday night at 6:30 at Hole in the Fence beach (south Doheny). We will be pigging out on s'mores, and then playing some glow in the dark capture the flag. 

I am very excited about this and would love for you to join me in prayer. I want to ask you to pray specifically for kids to show up, for me and the other leaders to have good opportunities to get to know the kids that come, for a chance for me to meet and connect with parents, and for saftey and good times all around.

It really seems like God has been working to bring everything together at just the right time for Young Life to move into Ladera, and I want to be diligent and open to what he may have planned. 

So please be praying for us this week as we prepare for Saturday night, and then be praying for us Saturday. It really seems that God has something special planned for Ladera Ranch and I am so honored to get to be a part of it. 

Peace.

Exploring the dark caves of our heart.

Dark caves are something I'm pretty afraid of. I've seen too many scary movie previews about creepy things that live in dark caves... it's mostly the unknown that freaks me out about them.

I think there are dark caves in my heart.

I also think there are dark caves in my knowledge of myself.

For a few years I have been on a quest to come to know myself more fully, more completely. Not just for knowings sake, but mostly because I want to know and love God more, and I want to know and love others more.

Calvin said there is no knowledge of God without knowledge of self, and I have become to be more aware of some gaping holes in my knowledge of self.

For instance, I have a deep feeling that I am not good enough, not strong enough, and of little value. I have a deep feeling that if I am given an important opportunity, I will blow it.

There are also hidden sins that I am mostly unaware of, or that seem to jump up out of nowhere and I find myself behaving in a way I truly don't want to.

These hidden things have more control over the way I behave and they way I relate to others than I know. When we hide these parts of ourselves they don't just go away, it's the opposite, they grow. When hidden away these parts of ourselves are left unchecked and grow underneath the surface. They start to control us in ways we may not be aware of.

The truth is, we can only be in touch with others, even with God, to the extent that we are in touch with ourselves.

As I grow older I have become aware that most of what I judge others for most harshly is happening in me, or is something I am doing but unaware of. I'm feeling like when Jesus said, "Judge not lest ye be judged," it was much more practicle than I thought.

Also, as I keep parts of myself hidden from God I  becoming more aware of a feeling of distance or a feeling that something is blocking me from really knowing him more... and living more in loving relationship with him.

But while going into the dark parts of our hearts, the insecurities, the hidden sins, the weaknesses, the "unacceptable" parts of who we are deep down is scary, WE ARE NOT ALONE! 

We are not exploring the hidden caves in our heart alone! The Holy Spirit is there. He has mapped it all out for us. He knows the way, he knows all the dark parts completely... and he loves it all! He is waiting to take us on an adventure, an adventure that will lead us into more love and acceptance of ourselves, more love and acceptance of God, and more love and acceptance of others!! What good news! 

So my prayer is that I will be open to knowing myself more, that I will be able to walk with God into the dark holes of my heart. I pray that I see how deeply and completely God loves me, and that I am open to joining him in that love. I pray that as I come to accept and love my true self more, through the Spirit, I will actually begin to love and accept others in a deep way, in a true way. I pray that I am gentle with myself because God is the one working, the one leading, not me, but I pray I keep going on this adventure into love with my loving Creator, my Abba, the lover of my soul.

Peace.

Am I there yet?

I am coming to believe that I will never "arrive". That I will never get to the place where I realize that I have found the job or task I was created for.

I say this as I embark on taking a full time job in ministry (this even sounds crazy because we are all full time ministers, I will just be getting paid for it I guess). 

In the past I have thought that something like this would be the destination. That I could sit back and say, "This is what God created me for!" But I just don't think that's true.

We were not created for a task, or for a job, we were created for God. To be his possession, his object of love and affection, his precious child.

I am coming to believe that this is the journey. It's a journey into him, a journey into closeness and openness to him in all of our life, a journey into pure love for him and others. 

It's a journey where our identity becomes less and less about the things we do, and more and more just about being our Abba's child.

There will be things that we do, jobs, tasks if you will, things that God created us specifically to do, things that no one else can do... but they are part of us reaching the goal of God, of complete unity with the Spirit in our hearts, of being found only in Christ.

So, I will never be there. Not in this life. God is an infinite sea and I will spend eternity exploring it. As close as I come, there will always be more. His love is beyond all comprehension... as well as his goodness, power, justice, grace and mercy.

So hears to the journey! We will be on it for the rest of our lives... what a grand adventure!

Peace.

God loves loving you.

This morning, as I was praying in silence the following prayer came to mind. I believe that it was a gift from the Spirit, and I wanted to share it with you all.

"Abba, you love to love me."

It's a very simple 7 syllable prayer... but it speaks to the truth of God's love for me. 

He loves loving me. He is delighted to love me. It's not out of obligation, but out of desire.

I prayed this prayer in the following way.

As I took a deep breath in I would whisper "Abba" and hold that for a second. Then as I exhaled I would let the words "you love to love me" come out. 

It was a beautiful time of realizing the joy of Abba for me. How he truly is delighted to love me, to draw me near, to forgive me, to hold me, and to be my daddy.

So, if you find time today, find a quiet place, sit comfortably for a few moments and breathe in deeply whispering the word "Abba", and as you exhale speak the true, intimate words "you love to love me." 

This truth is so simple, but I don't think I'm alone in not really seeing that God is completely smitten with his love for me, happy in love with me... not dutifully in love with me... That God, the creator of the universe, loves loving me, loves loving you.

Peace.

A wound of love.

There is a longing for Christ that hurts. It feels like longing for water when you are dehydrated... only not seeing any water in sight.

I have felt this longing... it's not an overwhelmingly pleasant feeling... and I have talked with others as they experience this longing.

It hurts, and it feels more like a wound to the heart than anything else.

The crazy thing about this wound is that it's driven by a deep desire for more of Christ. A desire to be closer to him. A desire to be more in tune with the Spirit, and more at home in the arms of our loving Father. The longing for the one thing that will make us whole is something that can be truly painful at times because it seems impossible to attain.

But, and it doesn't feel like this in the darkest hours of the night, it's a wonderful gift. 

To desire God so much that it hurts... that does not come from us, that comes from God. God places that desire deep in our hearts, and as it grows we experience it in many ways, some joyous, some extremely pleasant, some incredibly peaceful, but then some that don't feel all that "good" at all. 

This is when God begins to do some deep work. He begins to really allow us to feel our depravity, to see ourselves more clearly, and realize how desperately we need God... and how desperately we want him. If we open to it, we start to see how incredibly wonderful the love of our Father is, and how complete the love of Jesus is for us, not as we think we should be, but as we actually are... a long way off from the goal. 

I am in one of these times right now. While praying this morning in silence my thoughts were out of control. I could not focus on being still with my Abba. Then after, while running in the cool of the morning, watching the sun come up, I became in touch with the pain in my heart. I began to feel how badly I want to be more open to God. How badly I want to feel his loving presence... but then I began to see that this longing is the purest kind of longing, that this longing is a gift. 

So I will wait. I will continue to be silent before God, knowing he is there even if thoughts are darting around in my head like someone threw 100 tiny bouncy balls into a raquet ball court. I will ask God to help me open to where he is working in me, and then be patient with the process and gentle with myself as I stumble and stagger. 

If you are experiencing anything like this right now, as much as it hurts, and as much as it might feel "wrong" or like you are "falling away"... TAKE HEART! You are on the journey of inner transformation, and the fact is that God is loving you as much now as he ever has, and is doing some deep deep work in your heart. Be honest with him about how it feels, about your doubts and desires and confusion and pain and anger. Allow yourself to experience what you are really feeling, and then take that to God. 

Some of the pillars of the church have talked about this as a sort of surgery. There is a wound inflicted to heal another wound. 

God is with you. He is with me. Closer than ever.

Peace.

Praying Naked.

I used to have a recurring dream where I would find myself suddenly naked in a very public place. They were awful. It was as if I would just realize I was nude in the middle of class, or at church, or somewhere else where you really shouldn't be naked. The feeling I would get is one that I can remember to this day.

This is a pretty common dream I've learned, and pretty much everyone has the same feelings of embarrassment, shame, and a desire to hide and cover up.

Even as our society becomes more and more sensual, nakedness is not normal.

I have become aware of how frightened I am to be naked in other ways as well. I'm afraid to truly be naked, to truly be myself around others. I have clothes that I cover myself with, certain identities that I use to cover with, defensive behaviors that I resort to, normally without even realizing, in order to make sure I am not discovered naked.

I think I do this with God too.

I think I put on a certain set of clothes when I go to prayer, when I go to church, or a small group meeting. I want to be a certain way, and even though I know God loves me as I am, not as I think I should be, I still try to present myself in a certain way... a way I think he wants me to be.

About a year ago, while praying, it felt like God was asking me to actually take off my clothes and lay on the floor, face up, naked... nude. 

I couldn't do it. I was surprised at the feelings of guilt and shame that rushed over me as I thought of laying totally naked in the presence of God... during a time of prayer.

I have no problem praying in the shower, or while I am changing clothes... but to get completely undressed and lay before God, intentionally seeking his presence... naked... super uncomfortable.

This takes me back to the garden. 

The very first thing Adam and Eve did after they are the forbidden fruit was cover themselves. They had been naked their entire existence (which could have been hundreds of years, the Bible doesn't tell us how long they lived before the fall), bhe moment they disobeyed God, shame swept over them, and they realized they were naked... so they hid themselves from each other, then they hid from God.

Before this they would walk, naked, in the garden with God. They were naked, with God and with each other, unashamed.

Sin ruined all this. With sin came guilt and shame and a desire to hide and cover. 

But through Jesus and the power of the Spirit, we are invited back into this relationship. We can come and be with God. We can be naked and unashamed because Jesus conquered sin and took away all our shame and guilt... but these feelings die hard.

We continue to be told by the world, by others, and even by some of those we love most that we can't really be naked, that we can't really be ourselves without making sure we are covered... and this bleeds into how we approach God.

As of now, I have only been able to pray physically naked a couple of times. The shameful feelings are still there. Those times have been uncomfortable, but they have been honest. There is something about leading with the physical that can open you up to God and his completely whole love of you, the way you are... not the way you "should" be.

Oh God, help me to embrace the forgiveness that has come through Jesus. Help me to open to nakedness. Open to being completely naked and unashamed with you, not as I think you want me to be, but as I am. Help me be patient and gentle with myself in this. You love me, the naked me. You see me naked, you see through the identities I have created, the things I put on to make me feel lovable and valuable and desirable. Help me embrace your love, for your glory, help me to love my true self so that I can truly love others... so that I can fall more deeply into your love that surpasses all understanding.

False Vulnerability.

One thing I hear aboutyself a lot is how vulnerable and transparent I am. I'm not (at least mostly not) trying to toot my own horn here, but it's something I have tried to be. Transparent. Vulnerable.

But if I'm totally honest, I think I live my life more like this picture.

I may appear to be transparent and vulnerable... but in reality I'm not.

I may share a ton, and I may really even be quite transparent... but I'm not so willing to let you touch me, to let you into my bubble, or even to really come out and let you embrace me.

More than I am WITH people, I think I am next to people.

I have a fear, buried so deep that I truly didn't know it was there until recently, of being hurt by others. I am afraid of being dependent and looking weak. It's a normal fear, but I do a really good job of hiding it at times, even from myself.

I wonder how deep this goes, and to what extent I relate to God in this manner. 

The way we relate to others is a good glimpse into how we relate to God. It may not feel the same, and it may be much more subtle, but we relate in a certain way and it has implications throughout all our relationships.

I want to be more truly vulnerable. I want to open up to others, let them touch me instead of just looking through my transparent bubble of false vulnerability. I want to step out into community... I want to step out into God's loving embrace through other people.

Lord God, please guide me into true humility, and vulnerability. Help me to trust you and not my bubble. Help me put myself out there for others to hold and love and nurture. Abba, you love me, and you want good for me. Help me believe this to the core of my being. I want to be WITH you, I want to be WITH others, please help me open to that more.