Embracing failure... a confession

This is hard for me to confess. I have always thought of myself as a fairly humble person... but deep down, I'm not so sure how true it is. Deep down there is a mixture of self-loathing and fear driven pride. My false self has created these monsters, and while I do think they are slowly dying off, they still have a stronger, more subtle, influence on me than I would like to admit.

Recently I was offered and took a job with Young Life. My marching orders were to start a WyldLife club in Ladera Ranch.

I thought I could do this in my sleep... really.

I thought I would knock this out of the park without even breaking a sweat. I had dreams of how awesome our club would be, of how much better I would be at training leaders, and getting parents involved than other clubs I had been in. I thought I would be a natural at this, and would be able to do this with no problem at all.

This is my first official week on Young Life staff... and I'm really afraid of absolute failure.

Nothing has gone the way I thought it would. I have been a pretty crappy leader for the leaders that have come on board. I don't know any of the kids I am trying to reach. I fear that I am not going to raise the support I need to raise in order to continue getting paid...

I've even questioned if I should be doing this at all...

This is all really hard for me to admit, but, and I am being honest, I am delighted to see this.

I started out into this thinking I could do it, on my own, without having to rely on Jesus (though I would have never really known this was the way I was thinking).

And I have failed. THANK GOD!

If I weren't in this space right now, scared that I don't know what I am doing, and that I am going to fail miserably, I don't think I would have seen that I am trying, and even thinking I can do this on my own.

I am so thankful that before any of this has started, God has lovingly shown me that I can't do anything without him!! That I can't do it on my own, and that I was actually going to try it that way.

Failure isn't always something to be afraid of, sometimes its a gift from our loving Father to get us back where we belong, dependently connected to him. This is where life works best. Its not always comfortable, and normally it seems to fly in the face of what we are taught "good life" should look like, but it is really the only place where we will truly thrive.

Jesus lovingly tells this to his disciples in John 15:1-10. Its one of the last things he tells them before he faces the cross. The image of the brach trying to produce fruit apart from the vine is exactly what I was trying to do with Young Life so far... I really thought I could do it on my own.

I would say that this is what many of us really believe, not only that we can do things on our own, but that we MUST do things on our own, because we can't depend on anyone else, and being dependent is weak.

But we are to live in this posture. Totally dependent... and not just in some abstract way, but in a very real way, on each other. We are to be dependent on each other, we are the body of Christ, and we need each other to survive. Paul uses the picture of the human body and invites us to imagine different parts of our body trying to live without being a part of the body. The brain can't survive unless its protected by our skull, and fed with the blood that our heart pumps into it... and so it is with other parts of our body, we are at our best when these pats are all working in dependent harmony with each other.

I hate this. Its really scary to be dependent on others, but I can't really be dependent on God unless I am dependent on others, and if I am not dependent on God, truly abiding in Jesus, then I am going to fail... every time... and life will not work, it will be a slow death, cut off from the life giving vine, slowly drying up, becoming bitter and brittle.

So I am thankful for this feeling of failure I have been living under the last few days. My Father has shown me that I was foolishly thinking I could do it on my own, that I was strong and independent, that I didn't need to rely on him and others for life.

So don't be so afraid of failure, it could be the best thing to ever happen to you... not saying it wont hurt like hell, it might, and it might be totally humiliating, but it could also be Jesus beckoning you back, lovingly inviting you back into the vine of life.

Peace.