God's affection...

Sometimes I think that God loves me because he has to, because he is God and the Bible says that God loves me.

I forget that God is God and can do whatever he wishes. I forget that God created life, time, air... basically everything I have ever touched or seen God created. He is not forced to love us. He is God and everything starts with him.

God loves us because that is who he is, because he wants to, because he created us to be the source of his affection.

I truly almost never think about God being affectionate towards me... honestly, that's probably some of the reason I find it so hard to spend time with him.

But look at so much of the language in the Bible used to create a picture of God's love for us: the love of a husband towards a wife, the love of a father for a son, the longing of a lover... these all include a great deal of affection.

God desires me. He longs to pour his affection over me. He longs to touch me, to hold me, to woo me. He wants to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, to tell me how deeply he knows me and how deeply he loves me. He wants to nourish me and protect me. He wants to hold me close and rest his head on mine, breathing true life into my soul.

If marriage reflects our relationship to God, and sexual intimacy is a part of marriage, then the intimate affection God isinviting us into is something I cannot imagine... and it's something that will feel wonderful, it's something that we are crying out for, it's the longing of our life that we try to suppress because it is so deep.

Do you believe this? Really? Emotionally and not just intellectually? While this is something I would say I believe, the truth is that I really don't. I want to, but if I did things would look differently. I would long to spend time with God. Prayer would be much less of a chore or something I easily push to the side for things that come up in life. I would love myself more and feel much less insecure. I would love others more because I would know that they are as cherished as I am by my lover. 

So I pray: Abba, my truest, deepest lover. My creator and my daddy, please help me open to your affection. Help me to know it like I know the touch of my wife. Help me to trust it like I trust that my heart will beat another beat. Help me know that you know me completely and love me completely, and help me let myself be drawn to you like I was to my wife when we were first married. With an insatiable desire that can only be fulfilled by you.

I invite you to look at the picture at the top of this post and imagine yourself as the baby (my daughter Hazel) and then imagine that God is the mom (my beautiful wife Candice). Imagine God resting his nose on your head, looking at you smiling with a deep deep sense of pride in you, his beloved son or daughter. Ask God, through the Spirit to make know to you his deep love and affection for you.

Peace.

Reading the Bible isn't always time with God.

Most of the time when I talk to people about how much time they spend with God they immediately start talking to me about reading their Bible. They say things like, "I know I need to read my Bible more, but I just can't find the time." Or they might say, "I know I need to spend time with God, but I just fall asleep whenever I try to read the Bible." 

More often than not their answer has much more to do with reading or studying the Bible, or some devotional book than it does with just being with God.

Before I continue I need to make one thing clear. I cherish the Bible, and it is vitally important that disciples of Jesus read and know it, but it is not God, and it is possible to have a robust prayer life without spending the majority of your time reading the Bible... I would say that it is even possible to have a deep and very real relationship with Jesus without the Bible (think of other countries where most people can't read, or where an entire village has only one Bible)!

Over the past few months I have fallen out of my habit of spending time daily in silence and solitude with our loving Abba. This is partly due to my kids waking up way too early these days, and then partly because I just let it slide... and that's ok to an extent. I really think God is totally alright with our seasonal rhythms and knows our lives way better than we think. 

While I've stopped spending that time with God regularly, I have started reading the Bible instead.

It is easier to read the Bible than it is to spend 5, 10, 20 min in silence. It's easier to check it off a list and feel good about myself. It's easier to "get" something out of it. When I spend 20 min in silence, most of the time I don't feel like I get much from it at all, I even feel like I waisted that time sometimes... 

But, I am finding myself missing that time with Abba like crazy. Like I said, reading the Bible is incredibly important, but I don't think it is sufficient as the only way we come before God. Honestly, sometimes I have found that I can use the Bible to distract me from what God is calling me into. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes reading the Bible keeps me from being honest and open before my loving creator who knows me and loves me more than I will ever know.

Maybe your personality and silence and solitude just don't mesh. That's great, the method isn't the point. Silence, solitude, meditation, whatever, they are just means to being with God, they are not the goal. My point is that there is a whole other level to be experienced with God besides just reading the Bible or some other devotional book. There is a very real relationship to be had with the entire trinity that is waiting. The Bible is important, but it's not part of the trinity, and it is a means to come to know and love God more, but it is not the goal.

So I pray that you join me in asking God to show us where we can be with him in the middle of our lives now. Maybe you can find time and are into the idea of silence, then do that (but don't beat yourself up if you can't turn your brain off and you keep getting distracted, the time you are spending there is a gift to God, trust he is very happy with it), maybe it is taking walks alone with God, maybe it's something else entirely. There are numerous ways to pray, but I really encourage you to begin to think about spending time intentionally just being with God. No Bible, no other book, no sermon or podcast playing on your iPod... just you and God, that kind of time is never waisted, even (maybe even mostly) when you don't "feel" like you are "getting" anything out of it.

Peace.

It doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe being born a baby, fragile, unable to talk, walk, take care of himself, or do much of anything besides eat and cry and poop... it doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe being born in a barn, poor, to parents that were unimportant, and easily ignored... it doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe being acknowledged first by dirty shepherds, and then by pagan wise men that worshiped many other gods, from many other lands... it doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe dying on a cross, killed by the very people he came to save... it doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe knowing my name, how many hairs are on my head, my darkest secrets, most hidden weaknesses, and loving me more than I could ever hope to imagine... it doesn't make sense.

The God of the universe caring enough about me, about humanity, to come and show us how to live by being born a helpless baby, livig as a poor peasant, growing up to be homeless, and then dying to show me how to live... it doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense... BUT IT IS SO GOOD.

The God of the universe was born a baby, grew up like any other human child, then showed us how to live by pouring out his life, claiming none of the rights that were his as the God, the Creator, of the universe, then dying and coming back from the dead to both give us and show us how to live true life... it does not make any sense, but it is so good.

Abba, help me open to you more. Help me not try to make sense of life, but help me to trust you. Help me to trust that Jesus is life, and following him, living as he would live if he were me, not holding onto what I think I deserve, or what I think I am owed, or what I feel I should be given is the way to true, good, and real life... it doesn't make sense, but neither do you to my little mind. 

Oh come let me adore him.

The line, "Oh come let us adore him" has been etched in my mind the last few days. 

It seems simple enough, and I have no clue how many times I've sung it, but yesterday it hit me hard, right between the eyes, and deep in my heart.

I don't know that I've ever come and adored Jesus during this season of Christmas... at least not honestly. 

Too often I have to conjure up feelings of adoration for Jesus. I have to create an emotional response that I think is appropriate. I have to create the feelings I think I should be having when it comes to Jesus, the lover of my soul, my savior, my rescuer, the truest friend I will ever know.

Is it because deep down I don't really think I need him? Is it because I've heard this story every year, at least once, my entire life? Is it because I just take him for granted?

I don't really know. I don't really care.

This season this will be my prayer: LORD, let me come and adore HIM.

Let me sit in wonder and awe, spellbound, captured by the insanity of it all. The God of the universe as a baby, an infant. Jesus. 

Jesus.

How beautiful a name. 

Abba, let me adore. Let adoration be my posture this season. Let me open to the wonder that you would send your Son to be born a human... and to live and die so that I might be rescued, redeemed... so that I would have a chance at knowing the love you have for me... for this world.

Create in me a heart of adoration, and help me refrain from trying to create it myself. Help me be honest with you, and give you my true attitude, feelings, thoughts, and prayers. Help me give you my life, how I really am, in honesty, and then help me receive what you have for me, really receive it.

I love you Jesus, and I do adore you... even now, as I begin to open to you in truth, my adoration seems to grow. 

You love me... I can love you. 

Oh... I do adore you. Help me to adore you more.

Thanksgiving prayer.

Lord, help me to be truly thankful. Help me see all that you have given me. Help me to see the endless ways you are loving me right now. 

I confess that I am not always very thankful, and that sometimes when I am trying to be thankful, it feels so forced, almost like I am just faking it.

Lord, Abba, I don't always understand your ways, and there have been times when I have felt as if you are holding out on me. There are times when I feel like you are not holding up your end of the deal. 

There are times when I feel like you have left, and wonder if you will ever come back.

There are times when I doubt you.

Abba, you know. You know all these feelings I have, and you love me the same. You love me perfectly, and completely. Help me to see this today. 

Give me eyes to see the wonderful gifts you have given me. Help me to know the ways that you have worked to give me life, good and real life. Help me to understand your incredible love and endless effort to help me know you more. 

Holy Spirit, breath true thanksgiving into my heart, into my inner being. Help me open to you, and to thankfulness. 

You have given me more than I know, more than I understand... please give me a truly grateful heart, today and then for days and days to come. Give me a deep and abiding sense of gratitude for all that you are and all that you are doing in my life... even when I don't understand it and you feel distant.

Only you can make me truly thankful, help me open to you today, help me open to thanksgiving today, help me see the endless things I have to be thankful for.

LORD, help me open to your love.

LORD, I want to live every moment in your love... conscious of you loving me... open to the wonderful, beautiful, incredible, complete, infinite, powerful, transforming, cleansing, completing, healing, restoring, protecting, and overwhelming love. 

I know I will never understand it, never be able to plumb its depths, explore the ends of it, or ever find the limit of it... but I can open to it, I can consciously open to the fact that in every moment of every day YOU ARE LOVING ME... actually loving me.

Help me Abba, help me become more and more open to you, in everything I do, in every moment of my day... even when I'm doing things I know I shouldn't, and even when I'm making mistakes, help me know and trust that you are loving me, and you will never stop.

Maria's beautiful prayer of thanksgiving...

My wife loves "The Sound of Music." 

Ok, I like it a lot too... it's a great movie and some of the songs are really fun to sing and dance to with Hazel and Harper.

One scene always sticks out to me though.

It's the scene at the dinner table when Maria first gets to the Von Trapp's house. Amongst sitting on a pinecone  and then making the children feel awful for the way they had been treating her, she says a simple prayer over the meal.

"Lord... help us to be truly thankful."

What a beautiful prayer.

It hit right between the eyes and deep in my heart the first time I heard this as an adult. It made me look inside a realize how much help I need to be TRULY thankful.

When I heard this we were about to move in with my inlaws because we couldn't afford to live on our own. I was working as a valet parker... and it wasn't paying the bills. I couldn't get a better job at the time and was feeling pretty crappy and embarrassed about our situation. 

 I was not very thankful. 

Sure, I could try to "look on the bright side" and sometimes I could numb myself to the pain of where we were and only focus on what we had, the "good" things God had given us, but still, I was not REALLY thankful... I was actually pretty resentful. 

This prayer showed me that I could ask for help, and that I couldn't be truly thankful on my own, through willpower alone... I needed the Holy Spirit to work insider heart. It also showed me that to ignore the pain of the current situation, and even my underlying resentment, was not helping me to be thankful, but actually making me more and more resentful... I needed to be honest with God, and stop trying to change my attitude on my own.

I've started praying this prayer regularly, "Lord, help me to be TRULY thankful," and I also ask him for eyes to see all that there is to be thankful for. 

I don't want to say this "worked," prayer isn't like that. It's not about finding a magic phrase to say, but about opening to the Creator who loves us and is constantly drawing us closer to himself. 

But I think I am slowly becoming more thankful... and hope has flooded my heart. 

So I hope this prayer will help you too.

Peace.

I'm not "good" at silent prayer...

This picture sums up more of my times of silent prayer than I'd like to admit.

But I think that's OK, in fact, I think it's good.

I used to think I needed to try to be like this:

But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it. My brain would start to act like a 12 year old jacked up on red bull and sugar, and I would spend the entire time fighting with myself, trying to quiet my thoughts down and focus on trying to feel God's presence. 

It was exhausting, frustrating, crazy making, and I left the time feeling worse than when I started.

Or I'd just end up falling asleep.

But I still think silent prayer, meaning offering God a set time and not filling it with words, even if they are just in your head, is a really wonderful thing. I really think God enjoys us giving him a certain amount of time, setting it aside just to be with him (even if we don't feel like he is there at all).

I've just had to learn that honesty is OK during those times. I've had to learn that I can't try to be a certain way, but I can be with God as I am... and he still loves that.

Now I view my times of silent prayer as a gift to God. I give him x amount of time on a regular basis to do with as he wants. I try to remind myself that these times are not for me to get anything from God, but just to be with him, to give him some of my time, not really asking for anything in return... and trust that if I fall asleep or spend the time fighting my racing mind, it's OK with him.

The truth is I get so stinking much from these times, I just don't usually see it right then.

I am a different person when I am regularly spending this time with Abba, and while it may be subtle, it's very real. I also find that I am more open and in tune with God throughout the day, and find that I enter into random times of prayer more regularly, often without thinking or trying.

So I encourage you to give God some time. Don't try to start out too big, start small, but try to be regular. 5-10 minutes 4 times a week may be a good goal to start.

Find a quiet place, sit comfortably with your back straight, feet on the ground, hands open and palms up, and then say a prayer offering the time to God to do with as he wants.

If thoughts come barging in (and they most likely will) don't fight them, just try not to focus on them and let them just pass on through... and if you find yourself focusing on them, it's ok, just try to let them go at that point.

Sometimes a word or a phrase can be helpful. I often say the following sentence: "Abba, I belong to you" to both start my time, and then refocus when I find my mind has wondered off.

Don't beat yourself up if you don't find that you are quiet, I'm hardly ever quiet for more than a few moments... God is still there, and it's his time. And if you fall asleep, good, maybe you needed some extra sleep. God can work while we sleep. 

If this kind of prayer makes you uneasy, think of it as giving the Spirit some room to "intercede for us with groaning too deep for words." (Romans 8:26-27)

So I pray you find time to sit in Abba's lap, without an agenda, and let him be with you.

Peace.

God loves loving you.

This morning, as I was praying in silence the following prayer came to mind. I believe that it was a gift from the Spirit, and I wanted to share it with you all.

"Abba, you love to love me."

It's a very simple 7 syllable prayer... but it speaks to the truth of God's love for me. 

He loves loving me. He is delighted to love me. It's not out of obligation, but out of desire.

I prayed this prayer in the following way.

As I took a deep breath in I would whisper "Abba" and hold that for a second. Then as I exhaled I would let the words "you love to love me" come out. 

It was a beautiful time of realizing the joy of Abba for me. How he truly is delighted to love me, to draw me near, to forgive me, to hold me, and to be my daddy.

So, if you find time today, find a quiet place, sit comfortably for a few moments and breathe in deeply whispering the word "Abba", and as you exhale speak the true, intimate words "you love to love me." 

This truth is so simple, but I don't think I'm alone in not really seeing that God is completely smitten with his love for me, happy in love with me... not dutifully in love with me... That God, the creator of the universe, loves loving me, loves loving you.

Peace.

Praying Naked.

I used to have a recurring dream where I would find myself suddenly naked in a very public place. They were awful. It was as if I would just realize I was nude in the middle of class, or at church, or somewhere else where you really shouldn't be naked. The feeling I would get is one that I can remember to this day.

This is a pretty common dream I've learned, and pretty much everyone has the same feelings of embarrassment, shame, and a desire to hide and cover up.

Even as our society becomes more and more sensual, nakedness is not normal.

I have become aware of how frightened I am to be naked in other ways as well. I'm afraid to truly be naked, to truly be myself around others. I have clothes that I cover myself with, certain identities that I use to cover with, defensive behaviors that I resort to, normally without even realizing, in order to make sure I am not discovered naked.

I think I do this with God too.

I think I put on a certain set of clothes when I go to prayer, when I go to church, or a small group meeting. I want to be a certain way, and even though I know God loves me as I am, not as I think I should be, I still try to present myself in a certain way... a way I think he wants me to be.

About a year ago, while praying, it felt like God was asking me to actually take off my clothes and lay on the floor, face up, naked... nude. 

I couldn't do it. I was surprised at the feelings of guilt and shame that rushed over me as I thought of laying totally naked in the presence of God... during a time of prayer.

I have no problem praying in the shower, or while I am changing clothes... but to get completely undressed and lay before God, intentionally seeking his presence... naked... super uncomfortable.

This takes me back to the garden. 

The very first thing Adam and Eve did after they are the forbidden fruit was cover themselves. They had been naked their entire existence (which could have been hundreds of years, the Bible doesn't tell us how long they lived before the fall), bhe moment they disobeyed God, shame swept over them, and they realized they were naked... so they hid themselves from each other, then they hid from God.

Before this they would walk, naked, in the garden with God. They were naked, with God and with each other, unashamed.

Sin ruined all this. With sin came guilt and shame and a desire to hide and cover. 

But through Jesus and the power of the Spirit, we are invited back into this relationship. We can come and be with God. We can be naked and unashamed because Jesus conquered sin and took away all our shame and guilt... but these feelings die hard.

We continue to be told by the world, by others, and even by some of those we love most that we can't really be naked, that we can't really be ourselves without making sure we are covered... and this bleeds into how we approach God.

As of now, I have only been able to pray physically naked a couple of times. The shameful feelings are still there. Those times have been uncomfortable, but they have been honest. There is something about leading with the physical that can open you up to God and his completely whole love of you, the way you are... not the way you "should" be.

Oh God, help me to embrace the forgiveness that has come through Jesus. Help me to open to nakedness. Open to being completely naked and unashamed with you, not as I think you want me to be, but as I am. Help me be patient and gentle with myself in this. You love me, the naked me. You see me naked, you see through the identities I have created, the things I put on to make me feel lovable and valuable and desirable. Help me embrace your love, for your glory, help me to love my true self so that I can truly love others... so that I can fall more deeply into your love that surpasses all understanding.

False Vulnerability.

One thing I hear aboutyself a lot is how vulnerable and transparent I am. I'm not (at least mostly not) trying to toot my own horn here, but it's something I have tried to be. Transparent. Vulnerable.

But if I'm totally honest, I think I live my life more like this picture.

I may appear to be transparent and vulnerable... but in reality I'm not.

I may share a ton, and I may really even be quite transparent... but I'm not so willing to let you touch me, to let you into my bubble, or even to really come out and let you embrace me.

More than I am WITH people, I think I am next to people.

I have a fear, buried so deep that I truly didn't know it was there until recently, of being hurt by others. I am afraid of being dependent and looking weak. It's a normal fear, but I do a really good job of hiding it at times, even from myself.

I wonder how deep this goes, and to what extent I relate to God in this manner. 

The way we relate to others is a good glimpse into how we relate to God. It may not feel the same, and it may be much more subtle, but we relate in a certain way and it has implications throughout all our relationships.

I want to be more truly vulnerable. I want to open up to others, let them touch me instead of just looking through my transparent bubble of false vulnerability. I want to step out into community... I want to step out into God's loving embrace through other people.

Lord God, please guide me into true humility, and vulnerability. Help me to trust you and not my bubble. Help me put myself out there for others to hold and love and nurture. Abba, you love me, and you want good for me. Help me believe this to the core of my being. I want to be WITH you, I want to be WITH others, please help me open to that more.

"He's right behind me, isn't he?"

We all know this feeling, and no matter if we are saying good or bad about the person, its awkward when we realize they are listening to us without us knowing it.

Rarely do we talk about someone the same way when we know they are listening, good or bad. Its like we watch what we say a bit more when we know they are present. Especially if we are being negative.

I talk about God pretty often, and lately I've been getting this same feeling when I'm talking about him.

I can't explain it very well, but its like I refer to him as a thing, or a belief, or something other than a person who is actually in the room participating in the conversation.

I know God is present all the time, with me everywhere I go, but I don't think I REALLY know it. I think my head believes it, and my heart may even believe it, but it's just not something that I'm always actually aware of. It's not something I am experientially aware of all the time.

God IS always present, always with us, always loving us, guiding us, holding us, teaching us, and inviting us into his presence... but I think I don't really know or expect that in everything I do, in every conversation I have, in every moment of every day.

I do expect to experience God during certan times, like prayer, or worship services, or small group Bible studies and such... but while I am taking the trash out, or washing dishes, or watching tv, or hanging out with friends just chit-chatting... I honestly don't expect him, I am not expectantly open to him in the same way.

But God is always present... always... and he is always inviting us into that experienced reality. Even when it doesn't feel like he is, or it doesn't feel like we want or expected it... He is always in the room with us.

One thing that has helped me open to this more is silent prayer. I'm not talking about praying silently while I'm talking a  in my head, I mean sitting and trying to be still with my loving Father for a certain amount of time.

This is hard, and my body and brain fight back when I try to do this, but that's ok. As frustrating as it may be, it's a time I give to te LORD, and even when I feel like I was fighting off the temptation to daydream or think about other things the whole time, it's never a waste.

If you have never tried this, or tried it but the frustration of a million thoughts racing through your head while doing this has kept you from continuing, then maybe just try this.

For 5 minutes (just to start, you can do it for longer if you so desire) find a quiet place where you can sit comfortably. If you can't find a quite place, listen to some ambient noise with headphones. Then before starting your time, offer the time to God. Ask him to help you open to  him, not to gain anything other than being with him. Offer the time as a sacrificial gift, something for him to do with as he wants. Then sit, close your eyes, and if it helps say something like "Abba, I belong to you" or "I believe, help my unbelief" or "not my will but yours be done" when thoughts come racing in. Just let those thoughts race out the same way they raced in. Set a timer, and when the time is over, thank God for being present, and I'll normally end the time with the LORD's prayer.

Don't expect anything overwhelming to happen from this, my experience has been that God whispers during these times, and that I often don't even hear it... but as I have kept up with it, I have noticed that I notice God much much more throughout the day, at times when I don't really expect to. I have noticed that this discipline has put my heart in a posture to be more open to him in all that I do.

Also, if this is really hard for you, and your are feeling like you can't stop your brain from racing during these times. Be gentle with yourself, don't beat yourself up, God isn't disappointed with you, you shouldn't be either. Just keep at it, be honest with God about your frustrations, even if you are pissed off that he seems to just hang back and not step in to help. Express that to him, he knows you completely, so he already knows that's how you feel, but he wants you to be honest with him. He wants all of you. 

As hard and frustrating and lonely as these times may be, God is happy you are giving them to him... and that is all the reason to do it.

If you have any questions, or experiences with this kind of prayer, positive or negative, I'd love to hear them.

Remember, God is always in the room, always loving, always inviting you deeper into his presence... even when it feels he is totally absent.

Peace.

Abba's presence.

LORD, Abba, help me to open to your always present presence. Help me to open to you and connect with what you are doing in and around me. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear... and an open heart and mind. You are always active, always loving, always relating to me, help me be more and more attentive to that.

Failure

Lord, help me to accept that failure is not as dreadful as I think it is. That anything worth doing is worth trying and failing at. That you work, love, and hold in the midst of failure... and that everything is for you, even if its a swing and a miss, and you are happy with that.