Why I sobbed running my first 50k.

This last weekend I ran my first "ultra marathon." I had always hoped to run a marathon at some point in life, but then a friend ran a 100 mile race and introduced me to ULTA... adventure, mountains, and solitude... I was all in.

But I really never thought I would be able to do it.

The race I picked to train for was a 50k, about 31 miles (the course was actually 31.5 miles), and I found a training plan and started training.

Little did I know that God was doing work on a deeper level through this. I think I will be realizing different aspects of what God was doing, of how he was healing through this for a long time to come.

The times I had training for this were sometimes wonderful, and sometimes just flat out painful. I never took headphones with me, even when I knew I would be gone for over 4 hours, because I wanted to learn how to be present, how to stop numbing out what was really happening, and how to start paying attention to what was going on inside.

Sometimes this lead to deep revelations, but most of the time I couldn't tell if anything was happening, and I'd just be thinking about running... and how tired I was.

But God was doing so much. God was building perseverance, he was healing wounds... even when it seemed silent, and he felt distant, he was with me, working in the deep.

My goals for this race were simple. I wanted to finish, I wanted to run with God, openly expectant and aware if his presence, and I wanted to cross the finish with a smile.

After about 29 miles, as every part of my body hurt, a flood of emotion swept over me, and God felt so present that I was surprised I couldn't see him.

I started weeping. Literally. Like making crying noises and everything.

I felt God running with me, grabbing me by the shoulders, and saying that I was his champion, and that he was so proud of me. 

This took me right back to 7th grade... the worst year of my life.

I suffered some terrible wounds that year. I was the class clown, got bullied by almost everyone in my class, and was totally rejected by both the students and the teachers because I could not play sports. It was a small "Christian" school, and sports ruled. I had gone through a growth spirt that lead to knee surgery, and other injuries throughout the year.

The voices of the kids in my class became my inner voice.

I was not aware that this was still an issue, but Saturday, as I finished running 31.5 miles in the mountains, God breathed some pride into my heart, and healed some deep wounds there. It was like water rushing over dry and cracked dessert. I realized that those voices were wrong, that those voices were lies, that I was a champion in God's eyes and my Abba was VERY proud of me. That he had been enjoying the runs with me, that he had been working deep inside me, that he had been waiting to give me this moment for some time... and I totally broke down with joyful sobs. 

Like I said, there is so much more, but I'm barely grasping it right now. The one thing I am sure of is this: my interest in distance running was no coincidence, it was a gift from a God that knows me deeply and loves me more than I can comprehend.

I am convinced that God is constantly working, constantly loving, and will let us in on it when the time is right and if we are open to it. All we have to do is be a tiny bit willing, he will do the rest.

Peace.

Hopelessness

I am writing this on Holy Saturday, the day after Good Friday and the day before Easter.

It's a day easy to forget.

But I can't imagine how those who followed Jesus must have felt on this day over 2,000 years ago. Fear, sadness, despair, anger, longing, a feeling of being let down, shattered dreams... hopelessness.

The one they had left everything to follow had just been killed. Perhaps as everything was falling apart and they realized he was going to the cross they held out hope that he would save himself and the kingdom they expected to come would begin to take shape... but Jesus died.

No glorious victory to be seen. No new kingdom. Just their leader, dead on a cross... like the other two guys next to him.

Hopelessness must have been the overall feeling.

I have experienced hopelessness myself, and if I am honest, I really think it opened me up to loving God more fully for who he is.

I had lost my family due to my parents divorce. My dad, once my hero and closest friend was totally absent in my life. I had been wounded deeply by a church I was working for. Experienced several bad injuries, and then was laid off. At 30 I was working as a valet, didn't want to work in the church anymore, and felt like all I had known to be true was a lie.

I was hopeless... and God showed up.

Just like on Easter with the disciples, God came into the room, unexpected and unannounced.

I could almost actually see him his presence was so strong, and he began to lead me into a new life, where he was more and more the true center.

The disciples were different people after their time of hopelessness. Not just because of that, but because all they thought Jesus to be was blown out of the water, and they were now open to the truth of who he was and what he was doing. They realized it was about so much more than some earthly kingdom, and they were empowered by the Spirit to tell others about it so much that almost all of them died doing just that.

They journeyed through hopelessness and came out the other side so full of hope it seemed they might burst.

I can say, for sure, that I have more hope now than I ever thought possible, and I think experiencing hopelessness, really actually feeling hopeless, opened me up to a hope that only God could bring... a hope that didn't make sense, that doesn't always make sense now, but that isn't about anything of this earth because it's a gift from a loving Abba.

I can say with confidence that my time of hopelessness seems to have been as much a gift from God as my times now of tremendous hope... because without the first, I wouldn't have the second.

So on this Holy Saturday, I thank my Abba for bringing me through utter despair into a life of hope in God, and what he has in store. He is good, and his love endures forever. Amen.

Coming out of hiding.

I've always liked hiding... loved it actually.

When I was really young I would hide from my mom while we were shopping... and the closer she got without seeing, and the more frightened she seemed, the more I would have to hold back laughter. (now my daughter does this and I see the cruelty in it!)

In jr high the kids on my street and I would have epic hide and seek nerf gun wars. 

Hiding has always been something that I enjoy. I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that someone is looking for me. That someone is desiring to find me. That someone is going to great lengths just to discover where I am.

Most of the time when whoever I was hiding from found me, they would smile and shout with joy and then the chase would be on and the game would just get more fun as we ran from each other laughing.

But, for most my life, I have also hidden from God.

Hiding from God has been our response to sin as humans from the beginning of sin. It's the first thing Adam and Eve did, and it's our first response now.

Even knowing that Jesus has washed me clean and that I have been redeemed in him, I still hide when I feel like I've really screwed up. Guilt and shame crawl up on my shoulder and start to whisper about how terrible what I just did is. They whisper how there is no way God wants to forgive me this time, and that I have misunderstood grace, that I  am holding onto cheap grace and I should be ashamed.

So I hide until I feel I have punished myself enough. Until I feel that I have spent enough time in isolation. Until the feelings of guilt and shame have faded.

What I don't realize is that God is waiting for me, God is searching for me (though he really knows where I am). That God is wanting me to come out and fall into his wonderful arms of love, and healing, and total acceptance. God's love does not waver in any way while I am sinning, while I am doing something I promised I wouldn't ever do again, while I walk away from him. God's love is the only truly constant thing in life. It never changes, especially because of something we have done... we just aren't that powerful. We cannot change God, he is infinitely more than we are.

God is not only happy when we come out of hidding, he celebrates. He celebrates because when we come out, especially when we feel the worst, when the sin or whatever we did is really terrible, he celebrates because now he can begin to heal us and restore us. As we hide and try to fix ourselves we only perpetuate the problem. We make it worse and the feelings of guilt and shame multiply and the next time it happens it's even more crushing. 

But as we step into the light, God begins to heal and remove. He loves us in the darkest parts of our life and heart right now, and as we come out of hiding we get to experience this. We get to experience his incredible love. A love deeper and wider and more vast than any ocean... but too often we only explore the shoreline if this infinite ocean of love, while we cling to trying to be moral on our own because that is what we think God wants. True inner morality is only available as we open to God, as we quit trying to be good for him and let him into those locked doors of our heart, as we cling to him in the midst of our depravity accepting that only he can bring life.

So I pray: Abba, help me to come of of hiding. Help me to accept the love you have for all of me, even the things I am ashamed of. Spirit please walk with me into the areas of my inner self that I have hidden, even from myself. Help me cling to you knowing you already know and have loved me perfectly since I was born. Help me forgive myself quickly because it's silly not to if you already have. I want to know you and love you more and am conviced that I must know and love myself more in order to do that.

My sweet Jesus...

Lately I have been noticing a very subtle change deep in my heart. 

For most my life I have been telling people about Jesus. I remember one time when I was about 7. I was on a camping trip with my family and became friends with a boy camping with his family next to us. I began talking to him about Jesus and made sure that I prayed the prayer with him before we left.

But, to be honest, my motives were WAY OFF. I'm not lying here. My Sunday school teacher had told me earlier in the week that we get a jewel in our crown in heaven every time we lead someone to Jesus... and I wanted a blinged out crown! That was my sole motivation.

The motivation changed over the years. As I grew up I learned that it was the "right" thing to do. So, when I was courageous enough, I would tell people about Jesus because that is what I was supposed to do.

Even while working as a youth pastor, most of my motivation had more to do with "doing the right thing" than with joyfully inviting someone to come along and discover something truly worth dying for.

Lately, and let me be clear, I did not make this change on my own, in fact, I'm kinda surprised by it, I have noticed that I believe with all my heart that following Jesus is the best way to be a human, and my motivation is that of someone who has stumbled upon something truly great and wants the world to see it.

The Spirit can do amazing things without us really knowing. The Spirit has been working deep, reorganizing my heart, purging, cleaning, stripping, and healing deep wounds. Most of the time I only come to realize this in hindsight, but I am overjoyed by it. It's truly been in letting go that God has begun to transform my inner being. 

Now, when I get to tell kids about Jesus at WyldLife, I am thrilled, and it's completely honest. I don't have to psych myself up. While I'm speaking I feel a deep sense if joy and pride in my savior, and I'm so happy to get to tell other people about him.

So, I encourage you to stop trying so hard to be good. Stop trying so hard to do the right thing and just let go and fall into the hands of the most completely loving Father. Let the Spirit move in the deep quiet places in your heart and don't run from the crap and "bad" feelings that might come up. Just allow the One who knows and loves you more than comprehendible to renew you from deep inside out.

Stop beating yourself up for your weaknesses and shortcomings. Jesus took care of that already, and he is waiting to truly live life with you. He knows you are weak. He knows you screw things up. He knows your fears, failures, and f-ups and loves you more than you will ever know.

There is true joy and freedom in him, it is good, not safe, not clean, not always like I thought it would be, but it's real and it's good and it's full of life and love.

Peace.

Full life.

I post/write a lot about Jesus, about God, and about my life trying to follow Jesus. I get that this might seem excessive to some, weird to others, it might seem like I'm bragging or trying to look super spiritual or something... but, at least most of the time, I just can't help it. The stuff I write about feels like if it doesn't come out... well, it's sort of like I feel as if I've stumbled on something incredible and to keep it to myself would be extremely selfish.

I believe that there is no life that comes close to the life that Jesus offers... I truly believe that true life is only found in following Jesus, and that it continually gets more true, and more full as it goes on.

Sometimes this feels wonderful, and sometimes it's incredibly painful... but when I get a break from it all, and Jesus gives me the gift of seeing my life how he sees it, it is truly beautiful.

God has given me gift after gift of faith, hope, and love. I, on my own, am none of these. I have very little faith, and tons of fear, I have very little hope, and tend to be rather pessimistic, and I am critical instead of being loving... but, of no strength of my own, God has truly begun to change some of this and foster transformation inside that I just can't keep to myself. 

Let me repeat this. I did not do this. I didn't read my bible for x amount of minutes every day, I didn't pray harder and longer, I didn't have a "quiet time" every day... I did try to do some of these, but I failed at any sort of discipline that I tried. Any true change that has occurred has been from God. I am weak, and he has let me see that, and he has become much stronger in my life as I have allowed myself to rest in my weakness instead of fighting to hide or overcome it.

So, I'm writing this just to encourage you to follow Jesus, and encourage you to stop beating yourself up with guilt, stop trying so hard to do what you think you have to do to be loved by God, and just start opening to him in your every day life, he is there waiting for you.

And if anyone is reading this that does not follow Jesus, I really hope you get a chance to meet him. Too often me and other Christians have done such a horrible job of representing him. I really pray that, at some point in your life, you get a chance to meet him and then make your decision, because he is truly lovely, and I can't imagine you would not be drawn to him.   

Peace.

God's affection...

Sometimes I think that God loves me because he has to, because he is God and the Bible says that God loves me.

I forget that God is God and can do whatever he wishes. I forget that God created life, time, air... basically everything I have ever touched or seen God created. He is not forced to love us. He is God and everything starts with him.

God loves us because that is who he is, because he wants to, because he created us to be the source of his affection.

I truly almost never think about God being affectionate towards me... honestly, that's probably some of the reason I find it so hard to spend time with him.

But look at so much of the language in the Bible used to create a picture of God's love for us: the love of a husband towards a wife, the love of a father for a son, the longing of a lover... these all include a great deal of affection.

God desires me. He longs to pour his affection over me. He longs to touch me, to hold me, to woo me. He wants to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, to tell me how deeply he knows me and how deeply he loves me. He wants to nourish me and protect me. He wants to hold me close and rest his head on mine, breathing true life into my soul.

If marriage reflects our relationship to God, and sexual intimacy is a part of marriage, then the intimate affection God isinviting us into is something I cannot imagine... and it's something that will feel wonderful, it's something that we are crying out for, it's the longing of our life that we try to suppress because it is so deep.

Do you believe this? Really? Emotionally and not just intellectually? While this is something I would say I believe, the truth is that I really don't. I want to, but if I did things would look differently. I would long to spend time with God. Prayer would be much less of a chore or something I easily push to the side for things that come up in life. I would love myself more and feel much less insecure. I would love others more because I would know that they are as cherished as I am by my lover. 

So I pray: Abba, my truest, deepest lover. My creator and my daddy, please help me open to your affection. Help me to know it like I know the touch of my wife. Help me to trust it like I trust that my heart will beat another beat. Help me know that you know me completely and love me completely, and help me let myself be drawn to you like I was to my wife when we were first married. With an insatiable desire that can only be fulfilled by you.

I invite you to look at the picture at the top of this post and imagine yourself as the baby (my daughter Hazel) and then imagine that God is the mom (my beautiful wife Candice). Imagine God resting his nose on your head, looking at you smiling with a deep deep sense of pride in you, his beloved son or daughter. Ask God, through the Spirit to make know to you his deep love and affection for you.

Peace.