Why I sobbed running my first 50k.

This last weekend I ran my first "ultra marathon." I had always hoped to run a marathon at some point in life, but then a friend ran a 100 mile race and introduced me to ULTA... adventure, mountains, and solitude... I was all in.

But I really never thought I would be able to do it.

The race I picked to train for was a 50k, about 31 miles (the course was actually 31.5 miles), and I found a training plan and started training.

Little did I know that God was doing work on a deeper level through this. I think I will be realizing different aspects of what God was doing, of how he was healing through this for a long time to come.

The times I had training for this were sometimes wonderful, and sometimes just flat out painful. I never took headphones with me, even when I knew I would be gone for over 4 hours, because I wanted to learn how to be present, how to stop numbing out what was really happening, and how to start paying attention to what was going on inside.

Sometimes this lead to deep revelations, but most of the time I couldn't tell if anything was happening, and I'd just be thinking about running... and how tired I was.

But God was doing so much. God was building perseverance, he was healing wounds... even when it seemed silent, and he felt distant, he was with me, working in the deep.

My goals for this race were simple. I wanted to finish, I wanted to run with God, openly expectant and aware if his presence, and I wanted to cross the finish with a smile.

After about 29 miles, as every part of my body hurt, a flood of emotion swept over me, and God felt so present that I was surprised I couldn't see him.

I started weeping. Literally. Like making crying noises and everything.

I felt God running with me, grabbing me by the shoulders, and saying that I was his champion, and that he was so proud of me. 

This took me right back to 7th grade... the worst year of my life.

I suffered some terrible wounds that year. I was the class clown, got bullied by almost everyone in my class, and was totally rejected by both the students and the teachers because I could not play sports. It was a small "Christian" school, and sports ruled. I had gone through a growth spirt that lead to knee surgery, and other injuries throughout the year.

The voices of the kids in my class became my inner voice.

I was not aware that this was still an issue, but Saturday, as I finished running 31.5 miles in the mountains, God breathed some pride into my heart, and healed some deep wounds there. It was like water rushing over dry and cracked dessert. I realized that those voices were wrong, that those voices were lies, that I was a champion in God's eyes and my Abba was VERY proud of me. That he had been enjoying the runs with me, that he had been working deep inside me, that he had been waiting to give me this moment for some time... and I totally broke down with joyful sobs. 

Like I said, there is so much more, but I'm barely grasping it right now. The one thing I am sure of is this: my interest in distance running was no coincidence, it was a gift from a God that knows me deeply and loves me more than I can comprehend.

I am convinced that God is constantly working, constantly loving, and will let us in on it when the time is right and if we are open to it. All we have to do is be a tiny bit willing, he will do the rest.

Peace.

Hopelessness

I am writing this on Holy Saturday, the day after Good Friday and the day before Easter.

It's a day easy to forget.

But I can't imagine how those who followed Jesus must have felt on this day over 2,000 years ago. Fear, sadness, despair, anger, longing, a feeling of being let down, shattered dreams... hopelessness.

The one they had left everything to follow had just been killed. Perhaps as everything was falling apart and they realized he was going to the cross they held out hope that he would save himself and the kingdom they expected to come would begin to take shape... but Jesus died.

No glorious victory to be seen. No new kingdom. Just their leader, dead on a cross... like the other two guys next to him.

Hopelessness must have been the overall feeling.

I have experienced hopelessness myself, and if I am honest, I really think it opened me up to loving God more fully for who he is.

I had lost my family due to my parents divorce. My dad, once my hero and closest friend was totally absent in my life. I had been wounded deeply by a church I was working for. Experienced several bad injuries, and then was laid off. At 30 I was working as a valet, didn't want to work in the church anymore, and felt like all I had known to be true was a lie.

I was hopeless... and God showed up.

Just like on Easter with the disciples, God came into the room, unexpected and unannounced.

I could almost actually see him his presence was so strong, and he began to lead me into a new life, where he was more and more the true center.

The disciples were different people after their time of hopelessness. Not just because of that, but because all they thought Jesus to be was blown out of the water, and they were now open to the truth of who he was and what he was doing. They realized it was about so much more than some earthly kingdom, and they were empowered by the Spirit to tell others about it so much that almost all of them died doing just that.

They journeyed through hopelessness and came out the other side so full of hope it seemed they might burst.

I can say, for sure, that I have more hope now than I ever thought possible, and I think experiencing hopelessness, really actually feeling hopeless, opened me up to a hope that only God could bring... a hope that didn't make sense, that doesn't always make sense now, but that isn't about anything of this earth because it's a gift from a loving Abba.

I can say with confidence that my time of hopelessness seems to have been as much a gift from God as my times now of tremendous hope... because without the first, I wouldn't have the second.

So on this Holy Saturday, I thank my Abba for bringing me through utter despair into a life of hope in God, and what he has in store. He is good, and his love endures forever. Amen.

Coming out of hiding.

I've always liked hiding... loved it actually.

When I was really young I would hide from my mom while we were shopping... and the closer she got without seeing, and the more frightened she seemed, the more I would have to hold back laughter. (now my daughter does this and I see the cruelty in it!)

In jr high the kids on my street and I would have epic hide and seek nerf gun wars. 

Hiding has always been something that I enjoy. I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that someone is looking for me. That someone is desiring to find me. That someone is going to great lengths just to discover where I am.

Most of the time when whoever I was hiding from found me, they would smile and shout with joy and then the chase would be on and the game would just get more fun as we ran from each other laughing.

But, for most my life, I have also hidden from God.

Hiding from God has been our response to sin as humans from the beginning of sin. It's the first thing Adam and Eve did, and it's our first response now.

Even knowing that Jesus has washed me clean and that I have been redeemed in him, I still hide when I feel like I've really screwed up. Guilt and shame crawl up on my shoulder and start to whisper about how terrible what I just did is. They whisper how there is no way God wants to forgive me this time, and that I have misunderstood grace, that I  am holding onto cheap grace and I should be ashamed.

So I hide until I feel I have punished myself enough. Until I feel that I have spent enough time in isolation. Until the feelings of guilt and shame have faded.

What I don't realize is that God is waiting for me, God is searching for me (though he really knows where I am). That God is wanting me to come out and fall into his wonderful arms of love, and healing, and total acceptance. God's love does not waver in any way while I am sinning, while I am doing something I promised I wouldn't ever do again, while I walk away from him. God's love is the only truly constant thing in life. It never changes, especially because of something we have done... we just aren't that powerful. We cannot change God, he is infinitely more than we are.

God is not only happy when we come out of hidding, he celebrates. He celebrates because when we come out, especially when we feel the worst, when the sin or whatever we did is really terrible, he celebrates because now he can begin to heal us and restore us. As we hide and try to fix ourselves we only perpetuate the problem. We make it worse and the feelings of guilt and shame multiply and the next time it happens it's even more crushing. 

But as we step into the light, God begins to heal and remove. He loves us in the darkest parts of our life and heart right now, and as we come out of hiding we get to experience this. We get to experience his incredible love. A love deeper and wider and more vast than any ocean... but too often we only explore the shoreline if this infinite ocean of love, while we cling to trying to be moral on our own because that is what we think God wants. True inner morality is only available as we open to God, as we quit trying to be good for him and let him into those locked doors of our heart, as we cling to him in the midst of our depravity accepting that only he can bring life.

So I pray: Abba, help me to come of of hiding. Help me to accept the love you have for all of me, even the things I am ashamed of. Spirit please walk with me into the areas of my inner self that I have hidden, even from myself. Help me cling to you knowing you already know and have loved me perfectly since I was born. Help me forgive myself quickly because it's silly not to if you already have. I want to know you and love you more and am conviced that I must know and love myself more in order to do that.

My sweet Jesus...

Lately I have been noticing a very subtle change deep in my heart. 

For most my life I have been telling people about Jesus. I remember one time when I was about 7. I was on a camping trip with my family and became friends with a boy camping with his family next to us. I began talking to him about Jesus and made sure that I prayed the prayer with him before we left.

But, to be honest, my motives were WAY OFF. I'm not lying here. My Sunday school teacher had told me earlier in the week that we get a jewel in our crown in heaven every time we lead someone to Jesus... and I wanted a blinged out crown! That was my sole motivation.

The motivation changed over the years. As I grew up I learned that it was the "right" thing to do. So, when I was courageous enough, I would tell people about Jesus because that is what I was supposed to do.

Even while working as a youth pastor, most of my motivation had more to do with "doing the right thing" than with joyfully inviting someone to come along and discover something truly worth dying for.

Lately, and let me be clear, I did not make this change on my own, in fact, I'm kinda surprised by it, I have noticed that I believe with all my heart that following Jesus is the best way to be a human, and my motivation is that of someone who has stumbled upon something truly great and wants the world to see it.

The Spirit can do amazing things without us really knowing. The Spirit has been working deep, reorganizing my heart, purging, cleaning, stripping, and healing deep wounds. Most of the time I only come to realize this in hindsight, but I am overjoyed by it. It's truly been in letting go that God has begun to transform my inner being. 

Now, when I get to tell kids about Jesus at WyldLife, I am thrilled, and it's completely honest. I don't have to psych myself up. While I'm speaking I feel a deep sense if joy and pride in my savior, and I'm so happy to get to tell other people about him.

So, I encourage you to stop trying so hard to be good. Stop trying so hard to do the right thing and just let go and fall into the hands of the most completely loving Father. Let the Spirit move in the deep quiet places in your heart and don't run from the crap and "bad" feelings that might come up. Just allow the One who knows and loves you more than comprehendible to renew you from deep inside out.

Stop beating yourself up for your weaknesses and shortcomings. Jesus took care of that already, and he is waiting to truly live life with you. He knows you are weak. He knows you screw things up. He knows your fears, failures, and f-ups and loves you more than you will ever know.

There is true joy and freedom in him, it is good, not safe, not clean, not always like I thought it would be, but it's real and it's good and it's full of life and love.

Peace.

Full life.

I post/write a lot about Jesus, about God, and about my life trying to follow Jesus. I get that this might seem excessive to some, weird to others, it might seem like I'm bragging or trying to look super spiritual or something... but, at least most of the time, I just can't help it. The stuff I write about feels like if it doesn't come out... well, it's sort of like I feel as if I've stumbled on something incredible and to keep it to myself would be extremely selfish.

I believe that there is no life that comes close to the life that Jesus offers... I truly believe that true life is only found in following Jesus, and that it continually gets more true, and more full as it goes on.

Sometimes this feels wonderful, and sometimes it's incredibly painful... but when I get a break from it all, and Jesus gives me the gift of seeing my life how he sees it, it is truly beautiful.

God has given me gift after gift of faith, hope, and love. I, on my own, am none of these. I have very little faith, and tons of fear, I have very little hope, and tend to be rather pessimistic, and I am critical instead of being loving... but, of no strength of my own, God has truly begun to change some of this and foster transformation inside that I just can't keep to myself. 

Let me repeat this. I did not do this. I didn't read my bible for x amount of minutes every day, I didn't pray harder and longer, I didn't have a "quiet time" every day... I did try to do some of these, but I failed at any sort of discipline that I tried. Any true change that has occurred has been from God. I am weak, and he has let me see that, and he has become much stronger in my life as I have allowed myself to rest in my weakness instead of fighting to hide or overcome it.

So, I'm writing this just to encourage you to follow Jesus, and encourage you to stop beating yourself up with guilt, stop trying so hard to do what you think you have to do to be loved by God, and just start opening to him in your every day life, he is there waiting for you.

And if anyone is reading this that does not follow Jesus, I really hope you get a chance to meet him. Too often me and other Christians have done such a horrible job of representing him. I really pray that, at some point in your life, you get a chance to meet him and then make your decision, because he is truly lovely, and I can't imagine you would not be drawn to him.   

Peace.

God's affection...

Sometimes I think that God loves me because he has to, because he is God and the Bible says that God loves me.

I forget that God is God and can do whatever he wishes. I forget that God created life, time, air... basically everything I have ever touched or seen God created. He is not forced to love us. He is God and everything starts with him.

God loves us because that is who he is, because he wants to, because he created us to be the source of his affection.

I truly almost never think about God being affectionate towards me... honestly, that's probably some of the reason I find it so hard to spend time with him.

But look at so much of the language in the Bible used to create a picture of God's love for us: the love of a husband towards a wife, the love of a father for a son, the longing of a lover... these all include a great deal of affection.

God desires me. He longs to pour his affection over me. He longs to touch me, to hold me, to woo me. He wants to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, to tell me how deeply he knows me and how deeply he loves me. He wants to nourish me and protect me. He wants to hold me close and rest his head on mine, breathing true life into my soul.

If marriage reflects our relationship to God, and sexual intimacy is a part of marriage, then the intimate affection God isinviting us into is something I cannot imagine... and it's something that will feel wonderful, it's something that we are crying out for, it's the longing of our life that we try to suppress because it is so deep.

Do you believe this? Really? Emotionally and not just intellectually? While this is something I would say I believe, the truth is that I really don't. I want to, but if I did things would look differently. I would long to spend time with God. Prayer would be much less of a chore or something I easily push to the side for things that come up in life. I would love myself more and feel much less insecure. I would love others more because I would know that they are as cherished as I am by my lover. 

So I pray: Abba, my truest, deepest lover. My creator and my daddy, please help me open to your affection. Help me to know it like I know the touch of my wife. Help me to trust it like I trust that my heart will beat another beat. Help me know that you know me completely and love me completely, and help me let myself be drawn to you like I was to my wife when we were first married. With an insatiable desire that can only be fulfilled by you.

I invite you to look at the picture at the top of this post and imagine yourself as the baby (my daughter Hazel) and then imagine that God is the mom (my beautiful wife Candice). Imagine God resting his nose on your head, looking at you smiling with a deep deep sense of pride in you, his beloved son or daughter. Ask God, through the Spirit to make know to you his deep love and affection for you.

Peace.

Reading the Bible isn't always time with God.

Most of the time when I talk to people about how much time they spend with God they immediately start talking to me about reading their Bible. They say things like, "I know I need to read my Bible more, but I just can't find the time." Or they might say, "I know I need to spend time with God, but I just fall asleep whenever I try to read the Bible." 

More often than not their answer has much more to do with reading or studying the Bible, or some devotional book than it does with just being with God.

Before I continue I need to make one thing clear. I cherish the Bible, and it is vitally important that disciples of Jesus read and know it, but it is not God, and it is possible to have a robust prayer life without spending the majority of your time reading the Bible... I would say that it is even possible to have a deep and very real relationship with Jesus without the Bible (think of other countries where most people can't read, or where an entire village has only one Bible)!

Over the past few months I have fallen out of my habit of spending time daily in silence and solitude with our loving Abba. This is partly due to my kids waking up way too early these days, and then partly because I just let it slide... and that's ok to an extent. I really think God is totally alright with our seasonal rhythms and knows our lives way better than we think. 

While I've stopped spending that time with God regularly, I have started reading the Bible instead.

It is easier to read the Bible than it is to spend 5, 10, 20 min in silence. It's easier to check it off a list and feel good about myself. It's easier to "get" something out of it. When I spend 20 min in silence, most of the time I don't feel like I get much from it at all, I even feel like I waisted that time sometimes... 

But, I am finding myself missing that time with Abba like crazy. Like I said, reading the Bible is incredibly important, but I don't think it is sufficient as the only way we come before God. Honestly, sometimes I have found that I can use the Bible to distract me from what God is calling me into. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes reading the Bible keeps me from being honest and open before my loving creator who knows me and loves me more than I will ever know.

Maybe your personality and silence and solitude just don't mesh. That's great, the method isn't the point. Silence, solitude, meditation, whatever, they are just means to being with God, they are not the goal. My point is that there is a whole other level to be experienced with God besides just reading the Bible or some other devotional book. There is a very real relationship to be had with the entire trinity that is waiting. The Bible is important, but it's not part of the trinity, and it is a means to come to know and love God more, but it is not the goal.

So I pray that you join me in asking God to show us where we can be with him in the middle of our lives now. Maybe you can find time and are into the idea of silence, then do that (but don't beat yourself up if you can't turn your brain off and you keep getting distracted, the time you are spending there is a gift to God, trust he is very happy with it), maybe it is taking walks alone with God, maybe it's something else entirely. There are numerous ways to pray, but I really encourage you to begin to think about spending time intentionally just being with God. No Bible, no other book, no sermon or podcast playing on your iPod... just you and God, that kind of time is never waisted, even (maybe even mostly) when you don't "feel" like you are "getting" anything out of it.

Peace.

Drowning in His sea of love.

Yesterday, praying with my beautiful wife while taking communion, the following picture came to my mind.

It was the picture of a person clinging desperately to a piece of driftwood, trying not to get lost and drown in a vast body of water.

It looked sort of like when Leonardo DeCaprio was clinging to the door or whatever right before he drowned in "The Titanic".

Then Paul's prayer in Ephesians came to my mind: 

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, (Ephesians 3:16-18 NIV)

It was like the person was clinging to the driftwood struggling to not drown in a sea of love. 

The driftwood being guilt and shame.

How often do the lies of guilt and shame keep us from truly experiencing the love of Jesus, the love of our Abba, and the truly transforming love and power of the Holy Spirit? Often, I have begun to realize, I'm so used to listening to guilting, shaming, "you're not good enough," sort of voices, that I confuse the voice of our loving Lord with them... I sometimes mistake te lies for the truth.

To let go of this driftwood, honestly its more like a raft made out of driftwood for me, would feel like letting go of something that has been keeping me afloat... and I'm afraid that I would be lost without it, and that I would drown.

And I think that is exactly what Jesus is inviting me into... drowning in his infinite love. There is no guilt, there is no shame, there is no condemnation, no voices telling me I screwed up again, that I'll never be good enough... there is love, kindness, peace, joy, patience... there will be times that are hard, and as I begin to become more in tune with Jesus I will see things in myself that are not the way they are supposed to be, but, even then, there will be no guilt or shame, just an invitation into truth and wholeness and oneness with my loving Lord.

So I pray that Jesus would help me to let go. That he would help me to see the lies, to see where I am clinging to something dead that is keeping me from true life. I pray that I would see that guilt and shame can be left at the cross, and that I can be swallowed up by true love... by true life in Jesus Christ, my Lord and my Savior. 

Come Lord Jesus, come.

Peace.

Have enough faith to accept you may have doubts.

Faith and doubt are often thought of as opposites. It seems that these two couldn't exist together in harmony... but I really think they can, even that they should.

I have believed that there is a God, and that this God is powerfully active ever sense I can remember. I have known that God is powerful, all knowing, always present, and always active for most of my life... but since I have really started looking into some of my experiences and how they relate to the things I have always claimed to believe, doubt has been discovered.

Growing up I thought it was a sin to doubt. Sunday school teachers weren't really a fan of some of the questions I would ask, and then, as I got older, I watched as youth pastors and even pastors would react negatively to other people asking certain questions... I often heard, "You just got to believe," or "Just have faith, don't doubt."

But does our doubt really hurt God? If God is who he says he is, wouldn't he welcome our doubts and our questions? If we go to him with doubt, wouldn't we get to know him more?

I've started thinking that the more I fear and run from my doubt, the smaller God becomes, and the more I accept and lean into God WITH my doubt, the bigger HE becomes.

Doubt seems to actually come to the surface in a person truly wanting to know God in a deeper way. Blind faith is more a product of a person just accepting something and then never really wanting to go deeper, or even know more about it.

David questioned God often, Job questioned God and even though we are often told that God responded in a way that we would translate as "disappointed" or "harsh," Job came to know God more from it, and trusted God in a way that made his previous trust seem juvenile... honestly, it seems that God rewarded Job for being honest. Even Thomas, "doubting Thomas" was embraced by Jesus, and lovingly invited to touch the scars and see that Jesus was really alive... he was loved, not shamed.

I have watched people struggle with doubt.

I have watched teenagers be told simply to believe and never question, only to have their faith destroyed in college by a professor that makes some really good arguments against the existence of a loving God because they have been told to repress their own questions and doubts. I think this is a shame!

We shouldn't run from doubt, and we REALLY shouldn't shame people for asking questions we cannot answer, or questions that have made the church feel uneasy. If God is who he says he is, none of this will change him, and he is big enough for all our questions and doubts!

So I think we should have enough faith accept doubt.

If we truly believe God is who the Bible says he is, then we have noting to fear of our doubts... he can handle it. He is so far beyond us that to pretend we don't have any questions, or doubts, would seem to make him more like us, not a God who's ways are above our ways.

So I pray that I would accept my doubt, that I would be honest with myself, with God, and with others about it. I pray that I would ask questions, and then trust that God is big enough to answer them... but that he might not... I pray that I would be open to others' doubts, not shaming, and that I would help them take them to God in trust. I pray that God would give me people in my life, and yours, that can help us honestly look at out doubts, and discover truth.

The truth is that God is real, he is much bigger than our imagination can fathom. His way don't always make sense to us, but he is alright with us questioning them... and HE LOVES US LIKE WE CANNOT UNDERSTAND, not ignoring our doubts, but knowing them, and knowing us completely.

So have enough faith to accept that you have some doubt, and then go to God with it. He may not answer it, and there may be a little doubt in you for the rest of your life, but that's OK, ask God to help you trust HIM more, believe HIM more, love HIM more, and help you know HIM more, and soon those doubts wont seem as scary as they once did.

Peace.

Don't Fit In

This is my daughter Hazel. 

She is amazing, smart, beautiful, energetic, funny, unique, strong willed, passionate, compassionate, sweet, caring, dramatic, emotional, observant, and a wonderful wonderful little person.

When my wife was pregnant I remember praying, over and over again, that God would help our daughter to be confident in who she was, that she would not conform to what others thought she should be, that she would question what people told her to believe, and that she would be her own person... little did I know what this would look like while she was growing up.

For those of you who have kids that are truly individuals, you know what I am talking about. Its not really something that is honestly celebrated very often. 

People, well intentioned as some of them may be, are quick to put labels on things that don't fit the mold we have created for them, and they are often not true.

Hazel can be difficult. She isn't the most "obedient" child, and she is anything but mellow... and it can be really frustrating at times... but I can't help but think the things that make her frustrating now will be incredible strengths when she is older.

Today when we dropped her off at preschool we were given some test results from some sort of standardized test to see how ready for kindergarden she is... and as I read the results I felt my defenses kicking into gear.

But why?

Why do I feel I need to defend her, why do I feel I need to defend myself? Hazel is not standard, she doesn't fit nice and neatly into the boxes that people have made for kids her age... I started to realize that I have an opportunity to come alongside our loving Father, and love Hazel as she is, not trying to get her to conform, but loving her, alongside God, into her true self... a self that is unlike anyone else.

The deep belief that we should fit into boxes is a lie... and deep down we all know it. None of the people that made this planet better fit into boxes, they were all people who broke molds. From King David all the way to Matin Luther (both of them)... they didn't fit the mold.

But we want to be able to control things, we want to be comfortable, we want to know what we should expect... and so we label and try to get people to conform.

I have felt this pressure my whole life, and because I have always felt like I didn't "fit in" I have carried a burden of shame and failure. This feeling isn't so conscious anymore, but under the surface. There is a constant whisper telling me I am not "good enough", that I am not "like them" and that I will never "belong." 

I got this from every system I was a part of growing up, school, the church, different sports teams, even my family to some degree.

Churches can be big time culprits of promoting conformity. We can be so quick to tell people that God loves them unconditionally, but as soon as they accept this and ask to be part of our family we give them the box they must now try to live the rest of their life in. We tell them how they should now think, act, believe, talk, walk, dress, sing... we tell them what they should like, how they should have fun, and even what kind of emotions they should have.

Honestly, I think we may be promoting something that looks much more like conformity than adoption.

Last week I heard Chap Clark talk about how when a family really adopts a person, the whole family changes to make room for the new person. How there is a mutual transformation that takes place, and neither are the same after. The family changes to allow the new person to become a part, and the new person also changes as they truly become a member of the family.

This is Jesus' invitation. An invitation to be adopted into the family of God. It is not an invitation to conform, but an invitation to be who we truly are, who God made us to be... it is only in our true identity that we can really serve the purpose God has for us as a part of his loving family.

So my prayer is that I would love Hazel, that I would be patient with her, and love her into her true self, not try to get her to construct some sort of false self that is easier to handle. I pray that God would give me wisdom in helping her to learn and grow and mature.

I also pray that I would love myself. I pray that I would accept my whole self, and join God in the love he has for who I really am. I pray that my love for others would flow out of that fully accepting love for myself (that is the second most important commandment, is it not?). I pray that as I come to join God in this love, that I would trust Him more, that I would let go of my false selves more, and that I would come to be more and more like Jesus, who fully knew and loved himself, and fully knew and loved his Abba.

I also pray that I would start seeing the boxes I keep trying to crawl into, the boxes I keep trying to get others to crawl into, and that I would trust that life is not meant to be lived in a box (cage).

Peace.

Jesus asked me to dance with him...

I've been thinking about "withness" a lot lately. Am I with people very often? Am I with God very often?

I don't mean in terms of accepting the same general space physically, but intimately, being together, vulnerable and truly with another.

This idea has been haunting me lately. I was raised to be independent, strong, a leader. Independence was next to godliness, and being a leader was the most Christlike thing to be... but now I think that's all bull.

Life is about following, not leading. We are to follow Jesus, who was a follower himself. Over and over again Jesus said that he could only do what he saw his Father doing, and only what his Father told him to do.

Jesus was a wonderful follower... am I?

As I've been reflecting on my job with Young Life, and starting a new ministry in Ladera Ranch, I've gotten the feeling that I am being invited to participate in something that is already happening. I'm not actually starting anything.

The music is already going.

People are moving to the rhythm.

And now, Jesus has come over, grabbed me, and asked me to dance this dance.

This image hit me square in the face, and resonated deep in my heart. It brings tears to my eyes and excitement to my body. Jesus, the one who the dance is for, has asked me to dance with him!

When a person dances with another they are close, it's not a side by side sort of thing, or even a next to each other sort of thing, they are with each other. There is a vulnerability involved, especially from the one following. In giving yourself to the one leading the dance you are trusting they know what they are doing and intentionally not acting on your own impulses to take charge.

What a wonderful picture of life with God!

So, my prayer is not that I would do things for God. Not that I would lead others, or do some great ministry deal, or even be known as a strong person of the LORD, but that I would dance. That I would be known for simply being involved in a beautiful dance with my Maker, the lover of my soul, the one who knows me perfectly and loves me perfectly. 

I want to be known for being lost in this dance with Jesus, trusting that he knows the tune and the steps far better than I, and that his incredible love for me will keep him from ever dropping me or leading me astray.

I don't want to do, I want to dance.

Jesus asked me to dance, and trembling, I said yes... I pray that this becomes a posture of life for me.

Peace.

Spiritual salt scrub

For the last 9 days I have been at a traing deal for new Young Life staff people. It's been wonderful and I am incredibly thankful that God has called me back into his ministry to kids through Young Life.

At the hotel there is a bathroom with a "complementary hand massage." It's just a bowl with some green colored salt. The instruction say to wet your hands, scoop a small amount of salt into your hands, rub them together for "at least a minute," then rinse.

Let me tell you, this process does not really feel all that great. The salt actually kinda hurts. It's sort of like rubbing sand paper on your hands. It feels like you are scraping off the top layer of your skin... and that's actually exactly what you are doing.

It hurts a little.

Looking back over my life, particularly the last 7 years since I stopped doing Young Life and now find myself back in it, I can see how God has been doing this in my life.

The purpose of scraping off the top layer of skin is to uncover the new skin underneath. The soft, fresh, rejuvenated skin waiting to be released... and it feels wonderful! 

Honestly my hands have never felt so lovely.

The dead skin is gone and the new skin is out ready to experience the world!

Isn't this a great picture of spiritual transformation?

It might hurt. It might not feel, initially, and during the actual process, the way we thought, or the way we hoped. It may feel like we are being scraped and ground up and like we are being stripped of everything we thought we were... but the new skin, the self (which isn't new at all, but just been covered up by old life residue) is so much better than the old. 

It reflects Christ in you much clearer than before. 

You will feel this, you will know Christ in a new more real way, and others will notice it too!

The best thing about this... it will be honest. It won't be you trying to be a certain way, but it will be you truly being you.

So, don't run and hide from the salt scrub, even if it hurts... it's so good for you, and it's a gift from God to help you live more fully in his love.

Peace.

Do I need a savior... really?

Recently I had a conversation with someone about sin. I was talking about how deeply sinful I am, and how I can't do anything to change that.

They passionately disagreed.

It's made me really think and pray about this though.

If I can change my sinful way of living on my own, then do I really need a savior? Did Jesus really need to come to earth, live a truly human life, and then die a truly terrible death? 

If I can change on my own, do I really need the Holy Spirit? Do I need to depend on God? Is grace really that big of a deal at all?

I am utterly convinced that no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop being sinful, because sin is about so much more than behavior.

Sin is about me taking charge of my life, my situations, my problems and not fully relying on God. Sin is about me thinking, deep down, that I know what's best, or that I have gotten the shaft in life and God is holding out on me. Sin is about my brokeness. 

This does have moral implications, but even the most moral person needs Jesus.

Jesus' love for me is so crazy because I do not deserve it at all. Even in my best days, I am riddled with sinful thoughts, and ways of living... I am drenched in sin.

But Jesus loves, totally and completely. His love is not conditional and like nothing we have experienced on this earth. It's infinitely better than the best parent's love for their child, and infinitely deeper than the best husband's love for his wife.

The closer I get to Jesus, the more I understand how deprived I am. The closer I get to Jesus the more I see how deep sin is rooted in my heart, how it's woven into the way I experience this life. The closer I get to Jesus the more I am set free from this because I realize I am powerless to change on my own, and he loves me anyway. 

Our effort is pretty pathetic. We really can't do much on our own, but the creator and sustainer of the world can do more than we can imagine. 

I have found that as I come to know God's love for me in the middle of my sin, I have been set free to love him and others more, and I find sin having a little bit less control over me. I don't find myself wanting to sin more in this new found freedom, but wanting to love more, wanting to be even closer to my Savior.

Sitting in my sin, asking God to help me see new depths of my sin, and opening it to God, not hiding or trying to change, but just opening it to God has had the most deeply impactful effect on my life. I find I actually can love others and myself more. I find that I actually crave spending time with God in prayer. I find that it seems I have discoverd an infinite sea of love that I can spend the rest of my life exploring and never come to know its width, or depth. 

Its so good, it's hard, painful, and sad at times, but so good. Freedom is mysterious, and perfect love something that's hard to imagine, but it's what God has for us in Jesus through the Spirit. Sin has no claim, but we will need our Savior every moment for the rest of eternity.

Peace. 

Being present in our own brokenness

One of the best ways to foster compassion isn't so much getting outside of yourself and doing something for someone else, but being present in your own life, open to your own hurt, festering wounds, habitual sins, areas of embarrassing weakness, heartbreak, and sadness... as we open to our own shortcomings and the lack of shalom in our own lives, with Abba, we may experience that the doors of compassion swing wide, and we realize that we can love out of our weakness. The desire to fix others (sometimes prompted by our deeper desire to escape or ignore our own pain) begins to fade, and we realize that the best thing we can do is to be with others. 

WITH

Isn't that what we celebrate during this season. God with us. Jesus came and hurt with us, laughed with us, wept with us, grew up with us, was tempted with us, even bled and suffered scaring wounds with us... he DID have the power to fix us, a power we don't posses, but first he came simply to be with us.

Are we letting him be with us? 

I ask this to myself as much as to you. I have a desire to do things with/for Jesus... but am I letting Jesus be with me in the "bad" emotions, feelings, and thoughts as much as I do in the "good" or "proper" or "Christian" ones? Am I with Jesus in the fear of failing my family, not being able to provide for them? Am I with Jesus in the times when anger creeps up and I snap at Candice and Hazel? Am I with Jesus in the times when I wish my life was different, not as hard as it is at times? Am I with Jesus when I feel like he actually owes me more? Am I with Jesus in the feeling like Young Life was a mistake and I have nothing to offer anyone?

He is with me in at those times, but am I with him?

As I realize the depths of my brokenness, I am filled with love. Both the love of Jesus for me, and love for others. 

Truly, we don't need to run from our own shit... and I think I do often, even by trying to do good things for others at times. I'm not saying we shouldn't!! We must!! But when we serve and love from our wounds, we are truly loving... it's then that we are letting Christ love through us.

Peace.

Oh come let me adore him.

The line, "Oh come let us adore him" has been etched in my mind the last few days. 

It seems simple enough, and I have no clue how many times I've sung it, but yesterday it hit me hard, right between the eyes, and deep in my heart.

I don't know that I've ever come and adored Jesus during this season of Christmas... at least not honestly. 

Too often I have to conjure up feelings of adoration for Jesus. I have to create an emotional response that I think is appropriate. I have to create the feelings I think I should be having when it comes to Jesus, the lover of my soul, my savior, my rescuer, the truest friend I will ever know.

Is it because deep down I don't really think I need him? Is it because I've heard this story every year, at least once, my entire life? Is it because I just take him for granted?

I don't really know. I don't really care.

This season this will be my prayer: LORD, let me come and adore HIM.

Let me sit in wonder and awe, spellbound, captured by the insanity of it all. The God of the universe as a baby, an infant. Jesus. 

Jesus.

How beautiful a name. 

Abba, let me adore. Let adoration be my posture this season. Let me open to the wonder that you would send your Son to be born a human... and to live and die so that I might be rescued, redeemed... so that I would have a chance at knowing the love you have for me... for this world.

Create in me a heart of adoration, and help me refrain from trying to create it myself. Help me be honest with you, and give you my true attitude, feelings, thoughts, and prayers. Help me give you my life, how I really am, in honesty, and then help me receive what you have for me, really receive it.

I love you Jesus, and I do adore you... even now, as I begin to open to you in truth, my adoration seems to grow. 

You love me... I can love you. 

Oh... I do adore you. Help me to adore you more.

If only it was as easy as a selfie...

Self examination is super important for healthy living. It's vital that we get to know ourselves... but it's just not very easy.

If you are anything like me, there are parts of yourself that you embrace, and then parts of yourself that you don't... parts that you may even hate, and try to hide from others.

These are the parts we Christians normally pray that God would kill, we ask God to crucify them, and then (again, this is my confession, you may not be like this at all) try our best to ignore them and live life like they are truly dead... but in the quiet dark times, they seem so very alive, and I question what Paul talks about when he says that I am a new creation, that the old has gone and my sinful nature is dead.

I am coming to realize more and more that to the extent I know my WHOLE self, and even to the extent that I accept my WHOLE self, is the extent that I can know God, and his love for my WHOLE self. 

In Ephesians 3 Paul prays the we would be rooted in Christ's love, and, "have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:18, 19 ESV)

I don't love my whole self. There are parts of myself that I hate, sinful parts, but also aspects of my personality that people have told me (in many different ways) are bad or annoying or useless, there are weaknesses that I feel I must hide, and there are fears and insecurities that I repress. 

BUT CHRIST LOVES MY WHOLE SELF... all those included.

Trying to present a certain me to other people has become such a habituated way of living that I know I do it with God too. I'm pretty stinking sure I have been doing it for so long that there are things I have hidden away so deep that I'm not aware of them anymore... until I react to something in a way that I think is unlike me, or God puts a mirror in front of me that I can't avoid (kids are really good for this), or I hit a wall or a really crappy time in life and find myself spinning out of control.

But I have nothing to fear! God knows me and loves me completely. He is holy, completely different from us. While others are unable to handle my crap and love me completely, HE IS.

And it's only the Spirit that can crucify those sinful parts of me, habits, and ways of living that are not real and true and good. The thing about crucifixion is, a person cannot crucify themselves, another must do it... as much as I try, I cannot transform myself.

Hiding these things does two things. First it allows them to grow underneath the surface totally unchecked and unguarded. Second, it actually separates me from knowing how completely God loves me, which leads to me not really love myself, which leads to me not really loving others.

As Christians we believe that God has decided to come and live IN US. He lives in our heart... HE KNOWS... and HE LOVES.

A love that knows me totally, all the lust, and pride, and envy, and fear, and insecurity, and doubt, and anger, and frustration, and weakness... and still loves me completely... that is a love that surpasses knowledge. 

That is the love of Christ.

It is only in accepting that these "bad" things are there that we can then really present them to God, who already knows, and it's only then that we can know, experientially, his love for us, in a very personal way. This will lead not to more sinning, but to a purifying love for God that will actually open us more and more to his completely transforming love. 

And this will take the rest of our lives. 

What an adventure, what a journey, what a truly love filled life.

Peace.

Maria's beautiful prayer of thanksgiving...

My wife loves "The Sound of Music." 

Ok, I like it a lot too... it's a great movie and some of the songs are really fun to sing and dance to with Hazel and Harper.

One scene always sticks out to me though.

It's the scene at the dinner table when Maria first gets to the Von Trapp's house. Amongst sitting on a pinecone  and then making the children feel awful for the way they had been treating her, she says a simple prayer over the meal.

"Lord... help us to be truly thankful."

What a beautiful prayer.

It hit right between the eyes and deep in my heart the first time I heard this as an adult. It made me look inside a realize how much help I need to be TRULY thankful.

When I heard this we were about to move in with my inlaws because we couldn't afford to live on our own. I was working as a valet parker... and it wasn't paying the bills. I couldn't get a better job at the time and was feeling pretty crappy and embarrassed about our situation. 

 I was not very thankful. 

Sure, I could try to "look on the bright side" and sometimes I could numb myself to the pain of where we were and only focus on what we had, the "good" things God had given us, but still, I was not REALLY thankful... I was actually pretty resentful. 

This prayer showed me that I could ask for help, and that I couldn't be truly thankful on my own, through willpower alone... I needed the Holy Spirit to work insider heart. It also showed me that to ignore the pain of the current situation, and even my underlying resentment, was not helping me to be thankful, but actually making me more and more resentful... I needed to be honest with God, and stop trying to change my attitude on my own.

I've started praying this prayer regularly, "Lord, help me to be TRULY thankful," and I also ask him for eyes to see all that there is to be thankful for. 

I don't want to say this "worked," prayer isn't like that. It's not about finding a magic phrase to say, but about opening to the Creator who loves us and is constantly drawing us closer to himself. 

But I think I am slowly becoming more thankful... and hope has flooded my heart. 

So I hope this prayer will help you too.

Peace.

True life...

I have found that I struggle to keep life the way I want life to be. I somehow think I know what is best for me, because, after all, I'm an adult.

Truth is, the life I normally struggle to keep is comfortable, safe-ish, and generally something I can either control or just predict.

This is one of the reasons why I don't really believe that the invitation to loose my life is really a good thing at all.

I want MY life, the life I, with my 33 years of wisdom, have decided would be best for me. I want comfort, some adventure but not too much, security, and while I enjoy taking risks, I want to know that they will be risks I have decided to take.

Loose my life to gain real life? What does that even mean?

Truth is, for for most of my life at least, I just haven't believed what Jesus said in John 10:10 (which has ironically been one of my favorite verses my whole life).

Jesus says: "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." (John 10:10 ESV)

If this is true, then when Jesus says things like, "Pick up your cross," and "if you want to really live life you must loose it," he isn't demanding these awful sacrifices I have come to see them as... they are invitations into real, true, good life!

Seriously. 

This is not sentimental Hallmark card stuff, it's the author of life telling us how to live a real life.

Most of us will sing songs on Sunday mornings about how good God is, but we don't really believe that. We sentimentally believe it, but we don't live in a way that suggests we believe the author of life is good, loves us more than we could imagine, and is more powerful than we could dream. We live like we must try to control our lives, fight to keep what we have, strategize to keep on the path we want to be on, and ultimately trust no one but ourselves.

But God IS good, he IS love, and he IS powerful.

We can live in that truth. It's ok to doubt it, but if we go to him in surrender, even if it's more like a test, he will prove he is good, it may just be completely different than we thought it should be... and it may take longer than a couple days, or weeks, or even years... it might be that after several years of life feeling totally out of control, we look back and see that God had been working to love us, to show us how good he really is, and to bring us into a deeper knowing and trusting of him the whole time.

I speak from experience. 

Several years ago my life started to unravel, and it now looks nothing like I planned... BUT IT IS SO GOOD. Not in an outward way. I don't have lots of stuff, money, and for sure we don't often feel "secure", but I know Abba now more than I did before. I KNOW he loves me and wants me. I know he can provide, even when it doesn't make sense...

I am beginning to see that Jesus was really being loving and practicle when he said, "If you want life you must loose it." 

The life we want is a shadow compared to the life God, the Creator of the universe, the Author of life, has for us.

So, as backwards as it seems, you can hand your life over, the one you will get in return is truly much better.

Peace.

When God feels distant...

There are times when I feel like I am stumbling around, not sure of where I am going. Times when the road seems dark, when it seems hard and I'm cold and tired and feel all alone.

God seems distant, and there is a voice telling me that it's my fault... that I am not doing enough, or disciplined enough, or sinning too much... or just not good enough.

These dark foggy days are hard.

But I know I am not alone.

These times are when I remind myself of the darker Psalms, like Psalm 88... but the one I turn to more than any other is Psalm 77. 

The author starts by talking about how he feels that the LORD has abandoned him, and you get the feeling that he really feels this way, but then he starts to remember what God has done in the past: 

“Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Selah Then I said, “I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.” I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. (Psalm 77:7-11 ESV)

This is my prayer today. When I feel that God is distant, and wants nothing to do with me. 

ITS NOT TRUE!

But it's the way I feel and I will not try to run from it, instead I will look for God in the midst of this darkness, in the fog. God is here, and I believe God is close even if it doesn't feel that way. I will not pretend everything is wonderful, but I will put my hope in God and trust in him, trust that he will not let me get lost in despair.

Peace.

I love you son.

The following was something I felt Abba saying to me earlier today. 

I truly believe it was for me to cherish and hold deep in my heart, but also to share. 

Our Father is so fond of us. He is so in love with you. I hope you loose yourself in that truth today and many many more days to come.

This is what I heard him say earlier today:

 

"Luke, I created you to love you. I created you to be with you. I created you because I wanted you to be mine, my beloved child.

Everything else is a part of that, but it's not why I created you. I didn't create you to be a Young Life leader. I didn't create you to be a husband, a father, or even a good person. I didn't create you to tell others about me... 

I created you to love you.

Everything else is a part of that, it's a part of your journey deeper into my love for you. It's important, and it's very good, but it's not the reason, it's not your identity, it's not your destination... 

I AM.

I love you son. I love you more than you can know. I love your smile, the way you look, how you get really excited about things, your passion, even your questions, and your sharp edges. You are my boy. I'm so proud of you. You have no idea how happy you make me.

I created you because I wanted to... because I wanted you."

Peace.