For most my life I have been telling people about Jesus. I remember one time when I was about 7. I was on a camping trip with my family and became friends with a boy camping with his family next to us. I began talking to him about Jesus and made sure that I prayed the prayer with him before we left.
But, to be honest, my motives were WAY OFF. I'm not lying here. My Sunday school teacher had told me earlier in the week that we get a jewel in our crown in heaven every time we lead someone to Jesus... and I wanted a blinged out crown! That was my sole motivation.
The motivation changed over the years. As I grew up I learned that it was the "right" thing to do. So, when I was courageous enough, I would tell people about Jesus because that is what I was supposed to do.
Even while working as a youth pastor, most of my motivation had more to do with "doing the right thing" than with joyfully inviting someone to come along and discover something truly worth dying for.
Lately, and let me be clear, I did not make this change on my own, in fact, I'm kinda surprised by it, I have noticed that I believe with all my heart that following Jesus is the best way to be a human, and my motivation is that of someone who has stumbled upon something truly great and wants the world to see it.
The Spirit can do amazing things without us really knowing. The Spirit has been working deep, reorganizing my heart, purging, cleaning, stripping, and healing deep wounds. Most of the time I only come to realize this in hindsight, but I am overjoyed by it. It's truly been in letting go that God has begun to transform my inner being.
Now, when I get to tell kids about Jesus at WyldLife, I am thrilled, and it's completely honest. I don't have to psych myself up. While I'm speaking I feel a deep sense if joy and pride in my savior, and I'm so happy to get to tell other people about him.
So, I encourage you to stop trying so hard to be good. Stop trying so hard to do the right thing and just let go and fall into the hands of the most completely loving Father. Let the Spirit move in the deep quiet places in your heart and don't run from the crap and "bad" feelings that might come up. Just allow the One who knows and loves you more than comprehendible to renew you from deep inside out.
Stop beating yourself up for your weaknesses and shortcomings. Jesus took care of that already, and he is waiting to truly live life with you. He knows you are weak. He knows you screw things up. He knows your fears, failures, and f-ups and loves you more than you will ever know.
There is true joy and freedom in him, it is good, not safe, not clean, not always like I thought it would be, but it's real and it's good and it's full of life and love.
Peace.
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