Rarely do we talk about someone the same way when we know they are listening, good or bad. Its like we watch what we say a bit more when we know they are present. Especially if we are being negative.
I talk about God pretty often, and lately I've been getting this same feeling when I'm talking about him.
I can't explain it very well, but its like I refer to him as a thing, or a belief, or something other than a person who is actually in the room participating in the conversation.
I know God is present all the time, with me everywhere I go, but I don't think I REALLY know it. I think my head believes it, and my heart may even believe it, but it's just not something that I'm always actually aware of. It's not something I am experientially aware of all the time.
God IS always present, always with us, always loving us, guiding us, holding us, teaching us, and inviting us into his presence... but I think I don't really know or expect that in everything I do, in every conversation I have, in every moment of every day.
I do expect to experience God during certan times, like prayer, or worship services, or small group Bible studies and such... but while I am taking the trash out, or washing dishes, or watching tv, or hanging out with friends just chit-chatting... I honestly don't expect him, I am not expectantly open to him in the same way.
But God is always present... always... and he is always inviting us into that experienced reality. Even when it doesn't feel like he is, or it doesn't feel like we want or expected it... He is always in the room with us.
One thing that has helped me open to this more is silent prayer. I'm not talking about praying silently while I'm talking a in my head, I mean sitting and trying to be still with my loving Father for a certain amount of time.
This is hard, and my body and brain fight back when I try to do this, but that's ok. As frustrating as it may be, it's a time I give to te LORD, and even when I feel like I was fighting off the temptation to daydream or think about other things the whole time, it's never a waste.
If you have never tried this, or tried it but the frustration of a million thoughts racing through your head while doing this has kept you from continuing, then maybe just try this.
For 5 minutes (just to start, you can do it for longer if you so desire) find a quiet place where you can sit comfortably. If you can't find a quite place, listen to some ambient noise with headphones. Then before starting your time, offer the time to God. Ask him to help you open to him, not to gain anything other than being with him. Offer the time as a sacrificial gift, something for him to do with as he wants. Then sit, close your eyes, and if it helps say something like "Abba, I belong to you" or "I believe, help my unbelief" or "not my will but yours be done" when thoughts come racing in. Just let those thoughts race out the same way they raced in. Set a timer, and when the time is over, thank God for being present, and I'll normally end the time with the LORD's prayer.
Don't expect anything overwhelming to happen from this, my experience has been that God whispers during these times, and that I often don't even hear it... but as I have kept up with it, I have noticed that I notice God much much more throughout the day, at times when I don't really expect to. I have noticed that this discipline has put my heart in a posture to be more open to him in all that I do.
Also, if this is really hard for you, and your are feeling like you can't stop your brain from racing during these times. Be gentle with yourself, don't beat yourself up, God isn't disappointed with you, you shouldn't be either. Just keep at it, be honest with God about your frustrations, even if you are pissed off that he seems to just hang back and not step in to help. Express that to him, he knows you completely, so he already knows that's how you feel, but he wants you to be honest with him. He wants all of you.
As hard and frustrating and lonely as these times may be, God is happy you are giving them to him... and that is all the reason to do it.
If you have any questions, or experiences with this kind of prayer, positive or negative, I'd love to hear them.
Remember, God is always in the room, always loving, always inviting you deeper into his presence... even when it feels he is totally absent.
Peace.
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