Ladera Ranch WyldLife Kick-off

It's time. We are having our first Ladera Ranch WyldLife event!

We will be having a beach bonfire this Saturday night at 6:30 at Hole in the Fence beach (south Doheny). We will be pigging out on s'mores, and then playing some glow in the dark capture the flag. 

I am very excited about this and would love for you to join me in prayer. I want to ask you to pray specifically for kids to show up, for me and the other leaders to have good opportunities to get to know the kids that come, for a chance for me to meet and connect with parents, and for saftey and good times all around.

It really seems like God has been working to bring everything together at just the right time for Young Life to move into Ladera, and I want to be diligent and open to what he may have planned. 

So please be praying for us this week as we prepare for Saturday night, and then be praying for us Saturday. It really seems that God has something special planned for Ladera Ranch and I am so honored to get to be a part of it. 

Peace.

Exploring the dark caves of our heart.

Dark caves are something I'm pretty afraid of. I've seen too many scary movie previews about creepy things that live in dark caves... it's mostly the unknown that freaks me out about them.

I think there are dark caves in my heart.

I also think there are dark caves in my knowledge of myself.

For a few years I have been on a quest to come to know myself more fully, more completely. Not just for knowings sake, but mostly because I want to know and love God more, and I want to know and love others more.

Calvin said there is no knowledge of God without knowledge of self, and I have become to be more aware of some gaping holes in my knowledge of self.

For instance, I have a deep feeling that I am not good enough, not strong enough, and of little value. I have a deep feeling that if I am given an important opportunity, I will blow it.

There are also hidden sins that I am mostly unaware of, or that seem to jump up out of nowhere and I find myself behaving in a way I truly don't want to.

These hidden things have more control over the way I behave and they way I relate to others than I know. When we hide these parts of ourselves they don't just go away, it's the opposite, they grow. When hidden away these parts of ourselves are left unchecked and grow underneath the surface. They start to control us in ways we may not be aware of.

The truth is, we can only be in touch with others, even with God, to the extent that we are in touch with ourselves.

As I grow older I have become aware that most of what I judge others for most harshly is happening in me, or is something I am doing but unaware of. I'm feeling like when Jesus said, "Judge not lest ye be judged," it was much more practicle than I thought.

Also, as I keep parts of myself hidden from God I  becoming more aware of a feeling of distance or a feeling that something is blocking me from really knowing him more... and living more in loving relationship with him.

But while going into the dark parts of our hearts, the insecurities, the hidden sins, the weaknesses, the "unacceptable" parts of who we are deep down is scary, WE ARE NOT ALONE! 

We are not exploring the hidden caves in our heart alone! The Holy Spirit is there. He has mapped it all out for us. He knows the way, he knows all the dark parts completely... and he loves it all! He is waiting to take us on an adventure, an adventure that will lead us into more love and acceptance of ourselves, more love and acceptance of God, and more love and acceptance of others!! What good news! 

So my prayer is that I will be open to knowing myself more, that I will be able to walk with God into the dark holes of my heart. I pray that I see how deeply and completely God loves me, and that I am open to joining him in that love. I pray that as I come to accept and love my true self more, through the Spirit, I will actually begin to love and accept others in a deep way, in a true way. I pray that I am gentle with myself because God is the one working, the one leading, not me, but I pray I keep going on this adventure into love with my loving Creator, my Abba, the lover of my soul.

Peace.

Am I there yet?

I am coming to believe that I will never "arrive". That I will never get to the place where I realize that I have found the job or task I was created for.

I say this as I embark on taking a full time job in ministry (this even sounds crazy because we are all full time ministers, I will just be getting paid for it I guess). 

In the past I have thought that something like this would be the destination. That I could sit back and say, "This is what God created me for!" But I just don't think that's true.

We were not created for a task, or for a job, we were created for God. To be his possession, his object of love and affection, his precious child.

I am coming to believe that this is the journey. It's a journey into him, a journey into closeness and openness to him in all of our life, a journey into pure love for him and others. 

It's a journey where our identity becomes less and less about the things we do, and more and more just about being our Abba's child.

There will be things that we do, jobs, tasks if you will, things that God created us specifically to do, things that no one else can do... but they are part of us reaching the goal of God, of complete unity with the Spirit in our hearts, of being found only in Christ.

So, I will never be there. Not in this life. God is an infinite sea and I will spend eternity exploring it. As close as I come, there will always be more. His love is beyond all comprehension... as well as his goodness, power, justice, grace and mercy.

So hears to the journey! We will be on it for the rest of our lives... what a grand adventure!

Peace.

God loves loving you.

This morning, as I was praying in silence the following prayer came to mind. I believe that it was a gift from the Spirit, and I wanted to share it with you all.

"Abba, you love to love me."

It's a very simple 7 syllable prayer... but it speaks to the truth of God's love for me. 

He loves loving me. He is delighted to love me. It's not out of obligation, but out of desire.

I prayed this prayer in the following way.

As I took a deep breath in I would whisper "Abba" and hold that for a second. Then as I exhaled I would let the words "you love to love me" come out. 

It was a beautiful time of realizing the joy of Abba for me. How he truly is delighted to love me, to draw me near, to forgive me, to hold me, and to be my daddy.

So, if you find time today, find a quiet place, sit comfortably for a few moments and breathe in deeply whispering the word "Abba", and as you exhale speak the true, intimate words "you love to love me." 

This truth is so simple, but I don't think I'm alone in not really seeing that God is completely smitten with his love for me, happy in love with me... not dutifully in love with me... That God, the creator of the universe, loves loving me, loves loving you.

Peace.

A wound of love.

There is a longing for Christ that hurts. It feels like longing for water when you are dehydrated... only not seeing any water in sight.

I have felt this longing... it's not an overwhelmingly pleasant feeling... and I have talked with others as they experience this longing.

It hurts, and it feels more like a wound to the heart than anything else.

The crazy thing about this wound is that it's driven by a deep desire for more of Christ. A desire to be closer to him. A desire to be more in tune with the Spirit, and more at home in the arms of our loving Father. The longing for the one thing that will make us whole is something that can be truly painful at times because it seems impossible to attain.

But, and it doesn't feel like this in the darkest hours of the night, it's a wonderful gift. 

To desire God so much that it hurts... that does not come from us, that comes from God. God places that desire deep in our hearts, and as it grows we experience it in many ways, some joyous, some extremely pleasant, some incredibly peaceful, but then some that don't feel all that "good" at all. 

This is when God begins to do some deep work. He begins to really allow us to feel our depravity, to see ourselves more clearly, and realize how desperately we need God... and how desperately we want him. If we open to it, we start to see how incredibly wonderful the love of our Father is, and how complete the love of Jesus is for us, not as we think we should be, but as we actually are... a long way off from the goal. 

I am in one of these times right now. While praying this morning in silence my thoughts were out of control. I could not focus on being still with my Abba. Then after, while running in the cool of the morning, watching the sun come up, I became in touch with the pain in my heart. I began to feel how badly I want to be more open to God. How badly I want to feel his loving presence... but then I began to see that this longing is the purest kind of longing, that this longing is a gift. 

So I will wait. I will continue to be silent before God, knowing he is there even if thoughts are darting around in my head like someone threw 100 tiny bouncy balls into a raquet ball court. I will ask God to help me open to where he is working in me, and then be patient with the process and gentle with myself as I stumble and stagger. 

If you are experiencing anything like this right now, as much as it hurts, and as much as it might feel "wrong" or like you are "falling away"... TAKE HEART! You are on the journey of inner transformation, and the fact is that God is loving you as much now as he ever has, and is doing some deep deep work in your heart. Be honest with him about how it feels, about your doubts and desires and confusion and pain and anger. Allow yourself to experience what you are really feeling, and then take that to God. 

Some of the pillars of the church have talked about this as a sort of surgery. There is a wound inflicted to heal another wound. 

God is with you. He is with me. Closer than ever.

Peace.

Praying Naked.

I used to have a recurring dream where I would find myself suddenly naked in a very public place. They were awful. It was as if I would just realize I was nude in the middle of class, or at church, or somewhere else where you really shouldn't be naked. The feeling I would get is one that I can remember to this day.

This is a pretty common dream I've learned, and pretty much everyone has the same feelings of embarrassment, shame, and a desire to hide and cover up.

Even as our society becomes more and more sensual, nakedness is not normal.

I have become aware of how frightened I am to be naked in other ways as well. I'm afraid to truly be naked, to truly be myself around others. I have clothes that I cover myself with, certain identities that I use to cover with, defensive behaviors that I resort to, normally without even realizing, in order to make sure I am not discovered naked.

I think I do this with God too.

I think I put on a certain set of clothes when I go to prayer, when I go to church, or a small group meeting. I want to be a certain way, and even though I know God loves me as I am, not as I think I should be, I still try to present myself in a certain way... a way I think he wants me to be.

About a year ago, while praying, it felt like God was asking me to actually take off my clothes and lay on the floor, face up, naked... nude. 

I couldn't do it. I was surprised at the feelings of guilt and shame that rushed over me as I thought of laying totally naked in the presence of God... during a time of prayer.

I have no problem praying in the shower, or while I am changing clothes... but to get completely undressed and lay before God, intentionally seeking his presence... naked... super uncomfortable.

This takes me back to the garden. 

The very first thing Adam and Eve did after they are the forbidden fruit was cover themselves. They had been naked their entire existence (which could have been hundreds of years, the Bible doesn't tell us how long they lived before the fall), bhe moment they disobeyed God, shame swept over them, and they realized they were naked... so they hid themselves from each other, then they hid from God.

Before this they would walk, naked, in the garden with God. They were naked, with God and with each other, unashamed.

Sin ruined all this. With sin came guilt and shame and a desire to hide and cover. 

But through Jesus and the power of the Spirit, we are invited back into this relationship. We can come and be with God. We can be naked and unashamed because Jesus conquered sin and took away all our shame and guilt... but these feelings die hard.

We continue to be told by the world, by others, and even by some of those we love most that we can't really be naked, that we can't really be ourselves without making sure we are covered... and this bleeds into how we approach God.

As of now, I have only been able to pray physically naked a couple of times. The shameful feelings are still there. Those times have been uncomfortable, but they have been honest. There is something about leading with the physical that can open you up to God and his completely whole love of you, the way you are... not the way you "should" be.

Oh God, help me to embrace the forgiveness that has come through Jesus. Help me to open to nakedness. Open to being completely naked and unashamed with you, not as I think you want me to be, but as I am. Help me be patient and gentle with myself in this. You love me, the naked me. You see me naked, you see through the identities I have created, the things I put on to make me feel lovable and valuable and desirable. Help me embrace your love, for your glory, help me to love my true self so that I can truly love others... so that I can fall more deeply into your love that surpasses all understanding.

False Vulnerability.

One thing I hear aboutyself a lot is how vulnerable and transparent I am. I'm not (at least mostly not) trying to toot my own horn here, but it's something I have tried to be. Transparent. Vulnerable.

But if I'm totally honest, I think I live my life more like this picture.

I may appear to be transparent and vulnerable... but in reality I'm not.

I may share a ton, and I may really even be quite transparent... but I'm not so willing to let you touch me, to let you into my bubble, or even to really come out and let you embrace me.

More than I am WITH people, I think I am next to people.

I have a fear, buried so deep that I truly didn't know it was there until recently, of being hurt by others. I am afraid of being dependent and looking weak. It's a normal fear, but I do a really good job of hiding it at times, even from myself.

I wonder how deep this goes, and to what extent I relate to God in this manner. 

The way we relate to others is a good glimpse into how we relate to God. It may not feel the same, and it may be much more subtle, but we relate in a certain way and it has implications throughout all our relationships.

I want to be more truly vulnerable. I want to open up to others, let them touch me instead of just looking through my transparent bubble of false vulnerability. I want to step out into community... I want to step out into God's loving embrace through other people.

Lord God, please guide me into true humility, and vulnerability. Help me to trust you and not my bubble. Help me put myself out there for others to hold and love and nurture. Abba, you love me, and you want good for me. Help me believe this to the core of my being. I want to be WITH you, I want to be WITH others, please help me open to that more.