Praying Naked.

I used to have a recurring dream where I would find myself suddenly naked in a very public place. They were awful. It was as if I would just realize I was nude in the middle of class, or at church, or somewhere else where you really shouldn't be naked. The feeling I would get is one that I can remember to this day.

This is a pretty common dream I've learned, and pretty much everyone has the same feelings of embarrassment, shame, and a desire to hide and cover up.

Even as our society becomes more and more sensual, nakedness is not normal.

I have become aware of how frightened I am to be naked in other ways as well. I'm afraid to truly be naked, to truly be myself around others. I have clothes that I cover myself with, certain identities that I use to cover with, defensive behaviors that I resort to, normally without even realizing, in order to make sure I am not discovered naked.

I think I do this with God too.

I think I put on a certain set of clothes when I go to prayer, when I go to church, or a small group meeting. I want to be a certain way, and even though I know God loves me as I am, not as I think I should be, I still try to present myself in a certain way... a way I think he wants me to be.

About a year ago, while praying, it felt like God was asking me to actually take off my clothes and lay on the floor, face up, naked... nude. 

I couldn't do it. I was surprised at the feelings of guilt and shame that rushed over me as I thought of laying totally naked in the presence of God... during a time of prayer.

I have no problem praying in the shower, or while I am changing clothes... but to get completely undressed and lay before God, intentionally seeking his presence... naked... super uncomfortable.

This takes me back to the garden. 

The very first thing Adam and Eve did after they are the forbidden fruit was cover themselves. They had been naked their entire existence (which could have been hundreds of years, the Bible doesn't tell us how long they lived before the fall), bhe moment they disobeyed God, shame swept over them, and they realized they were naked... so they hid themselves from each other, then they hid from God.

Before this they would walk, naked, in the garden with God. They were naked, with God and with each other, unashamed.

Sin ruined all this. With sin came guilt and shame and a desire to hide and cover. 

But through Jesus and the power of the Spirit, we are invited back into this relationship. We can come and be with God. We can be naked and unashamed because Jesus conquered sin and took away all our shame and guilt... but these feelings die hard.

We continue to be told by the world, by others, and even by some of those we love most that we can't really be naked, that we can't really be ourselves without making sure we are covered... and this bleeds into how we approach God.

As of now, I have only been able to pray physically naked a couple of times. The shameful feelings are still there. Those times have been uncomfortable, but they have been honest. There is something about leading with the physical that can open you up to God and his completely whole love of you, the way you are... not the way you "should" be.

Oh God, help me to embrace the forgiveness that has come through Jesus. Help me to open to nakedness. Open to being completely naked and unashamed with you, not as I think you want me to be, but as I am. Help me be patient and gentle with myself in this. You love me, the naked me. You see me naked, you see through the identities I have created, the things I put on to make me feel lovable and valuable and desirable. Help me embrace your love, for your glory, help me to love my true self so that I can truly love others... so that I can fall more deeply into your love that surpasses all understanding.