Dark caves are something I'm pretty afraid of. I've seen too many scary movie previews about creepy things that live in dark caves... it's mostly the unknown that freaks me out about them.
I think there are dark caves in my heart.
I also think there are dark caves in my knowledge of myself.
For a few years I have been on a quest to come to know myself more fully, more completely. Not just for knowings sake, but mostly because I want to know and love God more, and I want to know and love others more.
Calvin said there is no knowledge of God without knowledge of self, and I have become to be more aware of some gaping holes in my knowledge of self.
For instance, I have a deep feeling that I am not good enough, not strong enough, and of little value. I have a deep feeling that if I am given an important opportunity, I will blow it.
There are also hidden sins that I am mostly unaware of, or that seem to jump up out of nowhere and I find myself behaving in a way I truly don't want to.
These hidden things have more control over the way I behave and they way I relate to others than I know. When we hide these parts of ourselves they don't just go away, it's the opposite, they grow. When hidden away these parts of ourselves are left unchecked and grow underneath the surface. They start to control us in ways we may not be aware of.
The truth is, we can only be in touch with others, even with God, to the extent that we are in touch with ourselves.
As I grow older I have become aware that most of what I judge others for most harshly is happening in me, or is something I am doing but unaware of. I'm feeling like when Jesus said, "Judge not lest ye be judged," it was much more practicle than I thought.
Also, as I keep parts of myself hidden from God I becoming more aware of a feeling of distance or a feeling that something is blocking me from really knowing him more... and living more in loving relationship with him.
But while going into the dark parts of our hearts, the insecurities, the hidden sins, the weaknesses, the "unacceptable" parts of who we are deep down is scary, WE ARE NOT ALONE!
We are not exploring the hidden caves in our heart alone! The Holy Spirit is there. He has mapped it all out for us. He knows the way, he knows all the dark parts completely... and he loves it all! He is waiting to take us on an adventure, an adventure that will lead us into more love and acceptance of ourselves, more love and acceptance of God, and more love and acceptance of others!! What good news!
So my prayer is that I will be open to knowing myself more, that I will be able to walk with God into the dark holes of my heart. I pray that I see how deeply and completely God loves me, and that I am open to joining him in that love. I pray that as I come to accept and love my true self more, through the Spirit, I will actually begin to love and accept others in a deep way, in a true way. I pray that I am gentle with myself because God is the one working, the one leading, not me, but I pray I keep going on this adventure into love with my loving Creator, my Abba, the lover of my soul.
Peace.
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