A wound of love.

There is a longing for Christ that hurts. It feels like longing for water when you are dehydrated... only not seeing any water in sight.

I have felt this longing... it's not an overwhelmingly pleasant feeling... and I have talked with others as they experience this longing.

It hurts, and it feels more like a wound to the heart than anything else.

The crazy thing about this wound is that it's driven by a deep desire for more of Christ. A desire to be closer to him. A desire to be more in tune with the Spirit, and more at home in the arms of our loving Father. The longing for the one thing that will make us whole is something that can be truly painful at times because it seems impossible to attain.

But, and it doesn't feel like this in the darkest hours of the night, it's a wonderful gift. 

To desire God so much that it hurts... that does not come from us, that comes from God. God places that desire deep in our hearts, and as it grows we experience it in many ways, some joyous, some extremely pleasant, some incredibly peaceful, but then some that don't feel all that "good" at all. 

This is when God begins to do some deep work. He begins to really allow us to feel our depravity, to see ourselves more clearly, and realize how desperately we need God... and how desperately we want him. If we open to it, we start to see how incredibly wonderful the love of our Father is, and how complete the love of Jesus is for us, not as we think we should be, but as we actually are... a long way off from the goal. 

I am in one of these times right now. While praying this morning in silence my thoughts were out of control. I could not focus on being still with my Abba. Then after, while running in the cool of the morning, watching the sun come up, I became in touch with the pain in my heart. I began to feel how badly I want to be more open to God. How badly I want to feel his loving presence... but then I began to see that this longing is the purest kind of longing, that this longing is a gift. 

So I will wait. I will continue to be silent before God, knowing he is there even if thoughts are darting around in my head like someone threw 100 tiny bouncy balls into a raquet ball court. I will ask God to help me open to where he is working in me, and then be patient with the process and gentle with myself as I stumble and stagger. 

If you are experiencing anything like this right now, as much as it hurts, and as much as it might feel "wrong" or like you are "falling away"... TAKE HEART! You are on the journey of inner transformation, and the fact is that God is loving you as much now as he ever has, and is doing some deep deep work in your heart. Be honest with him about how it feels, about your doubts and desires and confusion and pain and anger. Allow yourself to experience what you are really feeling, and then take that to God. 

Some of the pillars of the church have talked about this as a sort of surgery. There is a wound inflicted to heal another wound. 

God is with you. He is with me. Closer than ever.

Peace.