This picture sums up more of my times of silent prayer than I'd like to admit.
But I think that's OK, in fact, I think it's good.
I used to think I needed to try to be like this:
But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it. My brain would start to act like a 12 year old jacked up on red bull and sugar, and I would spend the entire time fighting with myself, trying to quiet my thoughts down and focus on trying to feel God's presence.
It was exhausting, frustrating, crazy making, and I left the time feeling worse than when I started.
Or I'd just end up falling asleep.
But I still think silent prayer, meaning offering God a set time and not filling it with words, even if they are just in your head, is a really wonderful thing. I really think God enjoys us giving him a certain amount of time, setting it aside just to be with him (even if we don't feel like he is there at all).
I've just had to learn that honesty is OK during those times. I've had to learn that I can't try to be a certain way, but I can be with God as I am... and he still loves that.
Now I view my times of silent prayer as a gift to God. I give him x amount of time on a regular basis to do with as he wants. I try to remind myself that these times are not for me to get anything from God, but just to be with him, to give him some of my time, not really asking for anything in return... and trust that if I fall asleep or spend the time fighting my racing mind, it's OK with him.
The truth is I get so stinking much from these times, I just don't usually see it right then.
I am a different person when I am regularly spending this time with Abba, and while it may be subtle, it's very real. I also find that I am more open and in tune with God throughout the day, and find that I enter into random times of prayer more regularly, often without thinking or trying.
So I encourage you to give God some time. Don't try to start out too big, start small, but try to be regular. 5-10 minutes 4 times a week may be a good goal to start.
Find a quiet place, sit comfortably with your back straight, feet on the ground, hands open and palms up, and then say a prayer offering the time to God to do with as he wants.
If thoughts come barging in (and they most likely will) don't fight them, just try not to focus on them and let them just pass on through... and if you find yourself focusing on them, it's ok, just try to let them go at that point.
Sometimes a word or a phrase can be helpful. I often say the following sentence: "Abba, I belong to you" to both start my time, and then refocus when I find my mind has wondered off.
Don't beat yourself up if you don't find that you are quiet, I'm hardly ever quiet for more than a few moments... God is still there, and it's his time. And if you fall asleep, good, maybe you needed some extra sleep. God can work while we sleep.
If this kind of prayer makes you uneasy, think of it as giving the Spirit some room to "intercede for us with groaning too deep for words." (Romans 8:26-27)
So I pray you find time to sit in Abba's lap, without an agenda, and let him be with you.
Peace.
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