Self examination is super important for healthy living. It's vital that we get to know ourselves... but it's just not very easy.
If you are anything like me, there are parts of yourself that you embrace, and then parts of yourself that you don't... parts that you may even hate, and try to hide from others.
These are the parts we Christians normally pray that God would kill, we ask God to crucify them, and then (again, this is my confession, you may not be like this at all) try our best to ignore them and live life like they are truly dead... but in the quiet dark times, they seem so very alive, and I question what Paul talks about when he says that I am a new creation, that the old has gone and my sinful nature is dead.
I am coming to realize more and more that to the extent I know my WHOLE self, and even to the extent that I accept my WHOLE self, is the extent that I can know God, and his love for my WHOLE self.
In Ephesians 3 Paul prays the we would be rooted in Christ's love, and, "have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:18, 19 ESV)
I don't love my whole self. There are parts of myself that I hate, sinful parts, but also aspects of my personality that people have told me (in many different ways) are bad or annoying or useless, there are weaknesses that I feel I must hide, and there are fears and insecurities that I repress.
BUT CHRIST LOVES MY WHOLE SELF... all those included.
Trying to present a certain me to other people has become such a habituated way of living that I know I do it with God too. I'm pretty stinking sure I have been doing it for so long that there are things I have hidden away so deep that I'm not aware of them anymore... until I react to something in a way that I think is unlike me, or God puts a mirror in front of me that I can't avoid (kids are really good for this), or I hit a wall or a really crappy time in life and find myself spinning out of control.
But I have nothing to fear! God knows me and loves me completely. He is holy, completely different from us. While others are unable to handle my crap and love me completely, HE IS.
And it's only the Spirit that can crucify those sinful parts of me, habits, and ways of living that are not real and true and good. The thing about crucifixion is, a person cannot crucify themselves, another must do it... as much as I try, I cannot transform myself.
Hiding these things does two things. First it allows them to grow underneath the surface totally unchecked and unguarded. Second, it actually separates me from knowing how completely God loves me, which leads to me not really love myself, which leads to me not really loving others.
As Christians we believe that God has decided to come and live IN US. He lives in our heart... HE KNOWS... and HE LOVES.
A love that knows me totally, all the lust, and pride, and envy, and fear, and insecurity, and doubt, and anger, and frustration, and weakness... and still loves me completely... that is a love that surpasses knowledge.
That is the love of Christ.
It is only in accepting that these "bad" things are there that we can then really present them to God, who already knows, and it's only then that we can know, experientially, his love for us, in a very personal way. This will lead not to more sinning, but to a purifying love for God that will actually open us more and more to his completely transforming love.
And this will take the rest of our lives.
What an adventure, what a journey, what a truly love filled life.
Peace.
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